


no rest till i get to you

by pageandpetals



Series: Uni AU: Sehun-centric [3]
Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Adventures in therapy, Alternate Universe - College/University, Birthday, Birthday Fluff, Birthday Presents, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss, Reunion Sex, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sad Boy Problems, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexting, Transcontinental Moping, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:53:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22823626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pageandpetals/pseuds/pageandpetals
Summary: sort of an extended epilogue toyou can't cross the line (but you can't stop trying).(NOTE: this isnotan unfinished chaptered fic, so don't let that deter you from reading. it's a bunch of random standalone vignettes about this pairing in this AU that feel too short to post as separate fics, so i'm posting them as "chapters" of this story as i get around to finishing them.)
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Series: Uni AU: Sehun-centric [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1237127
Comments: 43
Kudos: 78
Collections: Uni AU





	1. december 20, a saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sehun and jongin have been apart for less than 24 hours and they are goin' _thru it_

Why is it, Sehun thinks, that emotions have to be so goddamn complicated? Why can’t everything be laid out in crisp black and white, impossible to misinterpret, instead of the muddled spectrum of gray that he’s stuck with, leaving him unsure of how to parse his feelings?

They’re good, mostly, and it’s easy to bring the warm, glowing feeling inside of him back to the surface. The memories that elicit that feeling, however, are tinged with a certain amount of bittersweetness… and there’s the rub. How is it that he has the capacity to feel at once sad and happy, exhausted and satisfied, lonely and loved?

Maybe the problem isn’t that he doesn’t understand his emotions; maybe it’s just that there’s too many of them filling up his head and pressing on his chest, making him feel despondent one minute and want to shove his hand down his pants the next. He knows it’ll pass—it _has_ to; he can’t go on like this for the next two weeks—but at the moment he just feels consumed by the sheer volume of _feeling_ inside of him.

Sehun retreats to his bedroom after dinner on his first night home for the break, claiming fatigue from the time difference and the uncomfortable flight—which isn’t a lie, not really, but it’s not exactly the whole truth, either. He changes into his pajamas, a pair of sweats and a T-shirt he’d absconded with for the second time: the shirt he’d pilfered from Jongin at Thanksgiving, the one he’d promised Sehun in exchange for his favorite hoodie. It smells faintly of him, and the sense memory wallops Sehun over the head with scattered images and moments from the night before.

 _Morning, really_ , Sehun corrects himself. They hadn’t done much sleeping at all, choosing instead to make the most of their evening together by pleasuring each other on practically every surface of their apartment and coming (literally and figuratively) to several conclusions along the way: (a) shower sex is way more trouble than it’s worth; (b) fooling around on the couch is absolutely an option, as long as one of them remembers to put down a towel first; (c) it’s all fun and games until someone gets rug burn; and, perhaps most important, (d) Jongin’s stamina is far better than he gives himself credit for. It was Sehun who’d tapped out first, finally succumbing to his exhaustion a little after midnight, falling asleep with Jongin’s bare body curled around his own.

Sehun crawls into bed and hugs one of the pillows to his chest, allowing himself some time to marinate in these memories now that he’s in the privacy of his own room, painting himself as vivid a mental picture as possible.

———

His alarm goes off at an ungodly hour—well before 5 a.m.—and he awakes from his rest like a fish being pulled out of water, disoriented and breathless. Sehun gropes blindly for the source of the noise, slowly becoming aware of his surroundings—of Jongin’s chest warm against his back—and something deep inside him aches, torn between not wanting to disturb Jongin and yet craving one last taste of him anyway. He’s groggy, fingers thick and clumsy after little more than four hours of sleep, and he gets his hand around the phone only to lose his grip before he can silence it. It slips out of his hand and onto the floor, alarm still blaring, the vibrations slightly dulled by the carpeting.

Swearing under his breath, he leans over the side of the bed, displacing Jongin’s arm around his waist as he reaches down to snatch up his phone and turn off the ringer. With the device clutched in his fist, he rolls onto his stomach, annoyed and still heavy with sleep. He lies there for a few moments, trying to muster the wherewithal to get up, and he’s just about to drag himself out of bed when he feels Jongin run a hand up his back and down again. Instantly sapped of the will to leave, Sehun rolls over yet again, this time to put himself face to face with Jongin in spite of the room’s darkness.

“Time to go?” Jongin asks in a creaky whisper, his hand following the lines and contours of Sehun’s body until it reaches his face, fingertips stroking his cheek.

“Soon,” Sehun whispers in return, scooting closer against his better judgment. He gives Jongin’s arm a squeeze and kisses him gently, his lips catching the corner of Jongin’s mouth in the dark. “Go back to sleep.”

“No,” Jongin murmurs plaintively, stopping Sehun to kiss him properly before he can pull away. “M’still not done with you. Can’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“I won’t,” Sehun protests quietly, and he means it, even though it would have been so much easier on him to slip away undetected, to shower and dress and have his coat on and bags at the ready before leaving Jongin with a farewell kiss at the side of the bed. Extracting himself from this—from Jongin asking him to stay a little longer, whittling down his resolve using little more than the warmth of his body and a whispered plea; from his own biology, flooding him with an innate sense of need, of _desire_ , making his body instinctively seek comfort and release in joining with another—is going to be significantly harder. “You know I wouldn’t do that. But I gotta get ready.”

“I know.” Somehow, Sehun knows these two short words are an acknowledgment of everything he’s just said, not merely the last part. Jongin kisses him again, deeply, and Sehun’s heart throbs in his chest as he gives in to human nature. He rolls onto his back again, slowly, gradually, and pulls Jongin on top of him, his legs immediately wrapping themselves around Jongin’s waist. He hears Jongin’s soft gasp when he breaks the kiss to speak, and his own breath catches in his throat at the few quiet words uttered into his ear: “One for the road?”

“Please,” Sehun breathes, taking Jongin’s face in his hands and kissing him fiercely. “Want you. Just like this.”

And soon enough, after some fumbling with lube and condoms and fingers, Jongin is inside him once more, making love to him in the dark of his bedroom. It’s like the very first time, in some ways—the care Jongin takes in opening him up; the primal pleasure Sehun feels when Jongin enters him again; the tenderness, almost reverence, with which Jongin touches and kisses him—and yet completely unlike it at the same time, with neither the playfulness nor the chatter of last night, but also without the nervousness or disbelief or fear of getting it wrong weighing them down, either.

The darkness and relative quiet—punctured only by the sound of skin on skin and the staccato moans that fall from Sehun’s lips with each thrust—wash over them, lending an air of gravity rather than awkwardness to their coupling, and it sharpens his other senses, touch in particular. There’s a hunger in the way Jongin clings to Sehun, kisses him, fucks him slow and deep like he’s savoring every last second of being one with him, and the intensity brings him to the edge sooner than expected. Jongin buries his face in Sehun’s neck to stifle his moaning, his grip on Sehun’s thighs tightening as his hips pound erratically into Sehun’s ass and then gradually come to a standstill.

Sehun winds his arms around Jongin’s waist and simply holds him against his chest, Jongin’s cock still buried inside of him. After a minute, Jongin turns his head and sucks in a long breath.

“Sorry,” he whispers. “Meant for that to last longer.”

Sehun makes a shushing sound and turns to kiss him firmly. “I don’t mind,” he says quietly.

“But you didn’t finish,” Jongin protests.

“I don’t care,” Sehun says in a tone that (he hopes) brooks no argument, kissing him again. “I went soft, anyway. Felt too good to focus on anything else.”

He clenches slightly around Jongin’s cock for emphasis, and Jongin moans weakly, reaching between their bodies to make sure the condom doesn’t come off as he pulls out. Sehun releases him reluctantly in both regards, whining softly when Jongin slides out of him, his arms falling at his sides when Jongin sits back to roll down and tie off the used condom.

Sehun waits for the sound of it hitting the trash bin before nudging Jongin’s leg with his foot. “Come back here.”

With a grunt, Jongin settles back down and lets Sehun hold him again. He’s quiet for a minute, and then he says in a small voice, “I just feel bad, that’s all.”

“Will you stop?” Sehun whispers, faintly exasperated. “If it bugs you that much, you can make it up to me when we get back, but I only have a few minutes before I really have to get ready to go, so just…” He sighs and kisses Jongin’s forehead. “Be quiet and let me hold you, jeez.”

“Okay,” Jongin mumbles, the word muffled against Sehun’s collarbone. He lies still in Sehun’s arms for a minute, and Sehun thinks maybe he’s fallen asleep again, but then he hears a soft “Hey.”

“Hmm?”

“I’m glad we did this,” Jongin says softly. “That you asked if we could move things up, I mean. Even if it means I’m gonna be, like, a hundred percent more bummed out about you being three thousand miles away—at least for the next couple of days, anyway—I’m just… glad we got to do this first.”

“Me too,” Sehun murmurs, smiling to himself. “I know you said it might not be perfect, but it was pretty damn close, so—” He tilts Jongin’s chin up to kiss him properly. “—thank you.”

Jongin kisses him back, a little harder this time. “ _God_ , I’m gonna miss you.”

“Hey, we’re not doing that part yet,” Sehun says, a sudden, sharp pang of sadness hitting him in the corners of his eyes.

“I know, I know,” Jongin sighs. “Don’t mind me. I just get a little mopey after doin’ it if I don’t get to cuddle for, like, six hours afterwards. Something something raging hormones, I dunno.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of starting to pick up on that,” Sehun murmurs with a sad little smile, kissing the side of Jongin’s head. “And I’m really sorry, but I gotta get up now.”

Jongin makes no effort to move. “I know.”

“You gotta let go of me,” Sehun says patiently, rubbing Jongin's back.

“I know.”

“Jongin…”

“ _I knooooow_ ,” Jongin groans, finally rolling off of Sehun.

“I’ll be right back.” Sehun sits up and feels around for Jongin’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Just gonna go rinse off and get dressed and make sure everything’s packed. Try not to get a boner when you hear me turn on the shower, all right?”

“Shut up,” Jongin whines as Sehun snickers and gets out of bed, carefully making his way to the door to avoid a repeat of the stubbed toe incident. “I’ll be lucky if I can get it up at all for the next few days. You fuckin’ wore me out.”

That drives a shock of heat down into Sehun’s gut as he opens the bedroom door. “You’re welcome,” he says blithely, smiling to himself at Jongin’s weak laugh before he pulls the door to and heads into the bathroom.

Shielding his eyes with one hand, he flips the light switch and squints, trying to acclimate himself to the brightness as he reaches behind the shower curtain to turn on the water. He checks himself out in the mirror as he waits for the water to heat up, mostly to make sure Jongin hadn’t left any love bites in plain sight, but no: just the one low on his abdomen, below and slightly to the left of his navel, and a couple more high up on his inner thighs—places only Jongin would see, Sehun reasons with a little shudder of delight.

He leans forward to get a closer look at his face, nose wrinkling at the size of the bags under his eyes, but otherwise, he looks… normal. The same as usual. It’s funny: Sehun always thought he’d feel _different_ , somehow, after losing his virginity—fundamentally changed in some way—but he doesn’t, not really. Maybe he’s an idiot for thinking it’d be some kind of crystallizing moment of truth… or maybe that was just one more of those societal myths he’d bought into after watching too much TV growing up. He can’t say for sure. The only significant change, as far as he can tell, is that the idea of sex doesn’t make him so nervous anymore.

The mirror is beginning to fog up, so he quits dawdling and speeds through his usual morning routine, towel-drying his hair for lack of time and grabbing his toothbrush to put it in his carry-on bag before he nips into his room to get dressed. It might be warm in southern California, but for all he knows, it’ll be twenty below with three feet of snow on the ground by the time he gets back to school, so he remembers to dress in layers this time around. He pats himself down, checking for the essentials: phone, keys, wallet. The last two items are sitting on top of his dresser, so he pockets those; the phone, he remembers, is still in Jongin’s room.

What is _not_ in Jongin’s room, Sehun discovers, is the man himself. Frowning slightly, Sehun flips the light on, then grabs his phone off the bed and unplugs the charger from the wall, stowing them in his other coat pocket before glancing around to make sure he hadn’t left anything else. Spotting his clothes from the night before, he stoops to pick them up and roll them into a ball, and he’s about to leave when he catches sight of Jongin’s dresser and remembers his promise from last night. Sehun pulls open the second drawer and thumbs through a stack of Jongin’s T-shirts before finding the one he’s looking for and tucking it under his arm.

After one last stop in his bedroom to pitch the dirty clothes into his hamper and stuff Jongin’s shirt into his carry-on, Sehun slings it over his shoulder and lugs his checked bag along behind him toward the front door.

“Oh, there you are,” he says, heart fluttering with fondness when he spots Jongin sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, hair sticking out at all angles. He’d turned on the floor lamp by the door, since there’s not even a hint of sunlight coming in through the window; being as far east as they are, and with tomorrow being the shortest day of the year, the sun won’t be up until well after 7 a.m., and right now, it’s—Sehun checks his phone—not quite 5:30. The Uber he’d scheduled in advance should be arriving soon, but until then, he drops his carry-on next to his suitcase. “You look so tired. I thought you’d still be in bed.”

“I’m gonna go back to sleep for a couple hours after you leave,” Jongin says, yawning as he slowly stands up and lets the blanket fall onto the couch cushions behind him. He pushes his glasses up to the bridge of his nose with one finger. “My train’s not until eleven.”

“Mmkay. C’mere.” Sehun opens his arms as Jongin shuffles over, folding him into a hug. “I left that hoodie you wanted on my bed. The blue one, right?”

“Yeah.” Jongin pulls back and cocks his head, adorably confused. “How’d you know?”

“Lucky guess.” Sehun smiles. “I took one of your T-shirts—y'know, the one I borrowed when I went home for Thanksgiving?”

“Fine by me.” Jongin shrugs. “I gotta say, I don’t get what you like about it so much.”

Sehun has a good reason, but he's not about to tell Jongin what it is. He shrugs. "I dunno, I just like it. Why do you want that sweatshirt?"

"I dunno, I just like it," Jongin replies, his tone faintly mocking but not at all lacking in affection. "You wear it a lot. It makes sense." He squints at Sehun. "I don't wear that T-shirt _that_ often."

"I have my reasons," Sehun says, trying not to sound flustered and failing dismally, judging by the roguish smile on Jongin's face.

"Fine, don't tell me," he yawns, leaning into Sehun, his cheek resting against Sehun's shoulder. "It'll be more fun to figure it out on my own."

“Good luck with that.” Sehun’s phone chirps in his pocket, and his stomach drops slightly when he pulls it out to check the notification. “Uber’s gonna be here in a couple minutes. I should go.”

“Am I allowed to say I’m gonna miss you now?” Jongin asks, the words slightly muffled by Sehun’s coat. “’Cause I am.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too.” Sehun holds his face in both hands and draws him in for one kiss, then another. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Jongin steals another kiss. “You got a layover in Chicago, right?” Sehun nods. “Text me when you land. And when you get home.”

Sehun kisses him again. “I will,” he whispers.

“You won’t,” Jongin laughs shortly, kissing him back. “You’re gonna forget, like always.”

Sehun bites his lip, barely suppressing a guilty smile. “Call me tonight?”

“I’ll try,” Jongin says, reaching up to squeeze Sehun’s arm. “Depends on what’s going on at home. We’ll play it by ear, all right?”

Sehun nods and leans forward to sneak in a few more kisses, these ones much softer and less playful, but Jongin breaks away and throws his arms around Sehun’s shoulders, squeezing him tightly.

“Don’t kiss me like that,” he whispers. “You’re gonna make me sad.”

“Don’t be sad,” Sehun whispers in return, kissing him on the cheek. “You’re gonna make _me_ sad.” 

He steps back to pick up his carry-on, a tiny pang of sorrow hitting him in the chest when he straightens up to see Jongin doing a suspicious amount of blinking. He slides a hand into Jongin’s messy hair and scrunches it, scratching the back of his head fondly. “Go back to sleep, all right?” One more kiss. “I’ll see you in a couple weeks. Lock up behind me?”

“Mmhmm.” Jongin kisses him one last time and ushers him toward the door. “Go on.”

———

Sehun can’t believe that was just this morning. _This time zone business_ , he thinks, _is a real mindfuck_. He’s exhausted, but it’s only—he peers at his watch—eight o’clock. If he doesn’t want to be awake at four in the morning, he’s gotta wait at least another hour or two before he goes to bed. _Ugh._

He tries to distract himself by playing games and watching videos on his phone, but nothing grabs his attention off the bat. He’s just about to give up and call it a night at all of 8:30 p.m., but then his phone chimes in a particular way, and as far as Sehun’s concerned, it's as if the heavens have opened up and spat out a choir of angels singing the Hallelujah chorus, because that’s _Jongin’s_ text alert. He scrambles to open the message.

[](https://i.imgur.com/yO05AL0.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/mwEBFXc.jpg)  
---|---  
  
Sehun is halfway through typing "I miss you too" in response, but then Jongin's next message pops up:

[](https://i.imgur.com/X6VoYl8.jpg)  
---  
  
Sehun feels a sudden stirring in the pit of his stomach, and his thumbs tremble with nervous energy as he types out his reply:

[](https://i.imgur.com/oZj39qF.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/WSPm0KJ.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/jk1bFSb.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/iIfqSUn.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/Je0H3Ym.jpg)  
---|---|---|---|---  
  
Suddenly struck with an idea, Sehun hops up to lock his door before climbing back into bed and pushing down his sweatpants and underwear. He spits into the palm of his hand and strokes himself until he’s fully erect, and then he pulls his sweats—but not his boxers—back up, hiding his cock from sight while still making it evident that he’s hard. Only then does he pick up his phone again, unlocking it and navigating to the camera app. With a shaky exhale, he switches to video mode and hits record, silently focusing on the bulge in his pajamas. Quietly, Sehun leans to the side and spits in his hand again before slipping it under the band of his sweatpants, wrapping it around his cock. He strokes himself several times, allowing himself to make some of those soft sounds that Jongin likes so much, and then stops the recording. He attaches it to a message and triple-checks that he’s sending it to Jongin, then hits the send button and holds his breath, slowly stroking himself in the meantime.

[](https://i.imgur.com/aJMqkc5.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/4gP9XQB.jpg)  
---|---  
  
Sehun pulls his dick flat against his abdomen, letting just the head peek out from under the waistband of his sweats before he starts the recording again, fist still moving up and down the length of his cock.

“Those messages were…” Sehun whistles lowly and laughs softly into the phone mic as he spreads precome around the head of his dick with his thumb. " _God_. I've been— _ah_ — I've been thinking about all that stuff, too. Made my flight home _so_ uncomfortable. I got stuck in a middle seat—fucking Southwest—and there was a little old lady on one side of me and a teenage girl on the other side and I was just sitting there replaying last night in my head and I could still—" Sehun hesitates and lowers his voice slightly. "I could still, like… feel you inside me? And it's so stupid, but it made me all paranoid that they could, like, read my mind and it was _so awkward_ ," he groans, mildly embarrassed at the memory. "But that sort of reminds me… I can— I can _still_ feel your hips, like, pounding against my ass? It doesn't hurt, it's just, like… some kind of weird muscle memory, I dunno. Very distracting, either way. I don't think I heard a word my parents said all through dinner tonight, but, y'know, anyway…" Sehun trails off with a self-deprecating laugh. "I know— I know I’m not as good with words as you are, but I hope this shows how much I liked what you sent.” He strokes himself a few more times before cutting off the video and sending it to Jongin.

| [](https://i.imgur.com/FdcULGc.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/H5c01nu.jpg) | [](https://i.imgur.com/jj4Ri3q.jpg) |   
---|---|---|---|---  
  
Grinning uncontrollably, Sehun puts his phone down and pulls his—Jongin’s—T-shirt up to his armpits before taking his cock out to stroke it freely. He thinks about late last night, after they'd showered—well, fucked in the shower, _then_ showered—and eaten, when Sehun went to throw out the takeout containers and Jongin cornered him in the kitchen, hoisting him up on the counter to blow him until he was almost begging to be fucked… and then he'd stopped abruptly, all but sprinting out of the kitchen. Sehun had been _this_ close to shouting some not-so-nice things after him when Jongin returned with condoms and lube in hand and a towel thrown over his shoulder, jerking his head toward the couch, and Sehun's grip tightens slightly at the memory of straddling Jongin's lap and kissing him as he fucked himself senseless, Jongin's fingers digging into his backside with every roll of his hips. It's not long before Sehun feels an orgasm building up inside him, at which point he tucks his cock back under the waistband and starts recording again.

“Getting close,” he murmurs with a soft self-deprecating laugh. “It’s a little pathetic how quickly that happened, but just thinking about you sucking me off…” With an involuntary whine, he starts to move his hand faster. “I love when you do that. Feels so good, especially—” He drops his voice. “—especially when you’re fingering me. And you look… _god_.” Sehun closes his eyes and thinks about Jongin’s mouth stretched around his cock and has to pinch his mouth shut tight to stifle the moan that rumbles in his throat. “Like your lips were made for it.”

With some difficulty, Sehun switches the camera so it’s filming in selfie mode and holds it in the air above his abdomen, tilted down slightly to keep his face out of the frame. “Wish you were here right now,” Sehun whispers. “Wish I was coming in your mouth right— _now_ —”

He gasps as his orgasm hits him, come striping his chest and pooling in his navel. With both hands occupied, he can’t really muffle the sounds that are trying to burst out of his mouth, but he tries his best anyway. (Thank god his parents are still downstairs, he thinks.)

“Now that,” Sehun says, sounding a little out of breath as he releases his dick and films himself dragging his fingertips through the mess on his belly, “was entirely _your_ fault.” 

He stops the recording again and snaps a picture of his come-spattered chest for good measure, Jongin's shirt still rucked up around his underarms, then reaches for some tissues to mop himself up with before pulling the shirt back down and sending the last video to Jongin. It’s a few minutes before he sees the “…” pop up on the screen, and it stays there for another minute, but then it disappears abruptly and Sehun’s phone rings. He accepts the call with a tiny smile and a shake of his head and brings the phone to his ear. “Yes?”

“Two things,” Jongin says, sounding a little winded himself. “Number one: you’re the greatest, and I fucking love you. Number two: I’m hanging up and calling 911 because clearly you’re trying to kill me. Jesus, I think I almost swallowed my tongue just now.”

“Please don’t die,” Sehun laughs and pulls the phone away from his ear to text Jongin the photo he’d taken. “And remember to breathe when you look at the thing I just sent you.”

“Oh, god, there’s more?” Jongin says weakly, like he’s not sure what to do with himself. Sehun hears him curse on a long whine from a slight distance, and then his voice comes in clearly through the receiver. “You come off so cute and innocent-looking, but as soon as the pants come off, you turn into this— this evil little tease. How?!”

“I dunno, but it’s fun listening to you lose your mind over it,” Sehun says cheerfully. “Besides, you love it, and that's a good enough reason for me.”

“I really do,” Jongin sighs, resigned. “Thanks for the donations to my spank bank. Every little bit helps. My imagination only goes so far.”

“Well, you might find this interesting, then…” Sehun smirks. “The weather’s supposed to be pretty hot next week, so I think I might hit the beach with some of my friends. Y'know, strip down to my swim trunks, slather on that SPF 70, go for a dip, try not to get hit in the face with a rogue surfboard… real sexy stuff.”

“Be careful,” Jongin says, half laughing, half pleading. “I like that face! And don't forget to put on more sunscreen after you go in the water or you’ll burn up. I learned that the hard way. And please watch out for sharks—”

Sehun cracks up. “You sound like my mom.”

“No kidding,” Jongin snorts. “You try growing up in a house with a mom and older sisters fussing over you all the time. The worrywart instinct rubs off on you, trust me.”

“I’ve got Seulgi and Sejeong,” Sehun says wryly. “Close enough. They wanna know everything about everything. I swear, seventy-five percent of the group chat lately is the two of them being like, ‘How are things with Jongin? When do we get to meet Jongin?’ Like, jeez, give it a rest." Sehun realizes how that sounds and hurries to clarify. “Not that I don’t want them to meet you! It’s just that Seulgi’s been bugging me about spring break plans since Thanksgiving and this is still kinda new and also maybe I’m, like, the tiniest bit scared because I’m an insecure baby and I don’t want them to like you better than me, but I _do_ want them to like you and I want you to like them and—”

Jongin interrupts him with a soft shushing sound. “Hey. Hey. Calm down. I’m sure we’re all gonna get along just fine. And for the record, I don’t think I have any plans for spring break yet, y’know, if you did want me to come visit. I’d just have to see what the airfare is like.”

“My dad travels a lot for work, so he has a gazillion frequent flyer miles,” Sehun says immediately. “That’s what my parents use most of the time to fly me to and from school. I could ask if they’d be willing to cover your ticket, since they’d already be getting mine at the same time. Or if not, I think they get those discounted annual pass things with their airline credit card, so it’d be a lot cheaper for you to fly out, at the very least.”

“Are you sure?” Sehun can practically hear Jongin chewing nervously on his lip over the phone. “I feel a little weird about it since they don’t know we’re together. Like I’d be taking advantage of their generosity, y’know?”

“I’ll take the fall for it, if it comes down to that, but I hope it won’t. And we’re coming clean about it at the end of next semester, anyway, so it won’t be a secret forever.” Sehun crosses his fingers for luck and tries his best to sound endearing rather than whiny when he begs. “Come on, please say you’ll come—or at least that you’ll think about it. Please?”

Jongin sighs, and Sehun knows he’s won. “If your parents are cool with it, I’ll ask my mom.” Sehun cheers as quietly as he can manage. “You do realize we’re gonna have to act _super_ casual around your parents, though, right?”

“Hey, I’m the king of acting like I don’t give a fuck,” Sehun snorts. “ _You’re_ the one we have to worry about.”

“Excuse me?” Jongin says with an incredulous laugh.

Sehun grins. “I’m paraphrasing here, but Jongdae told me he’s caught you mid-lovesick gaze on multiple occasions.”

"Jongdae needs to get his eyes checked," Jongin says pettishly. " _Lovesick gaze_ —" He scoffs. "I'm not _lovesick_ , I'm just… fond of you, that's all. Sometimes you do cute stuff without realizing it and it just… I dunno, it makes me smile and gives me that, like, warm fuzzy feeling and makes me want to hug you and… _ah_." He makes a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat. "Yeah, all right, fine, when you put it like that… I can see how Jongdae got that impression."

"I mean, it's understandable," Sehun says, trying his hardest not to laugh. "I _am_ extremely cute and lovable and endearing, after all. It's only natural that you would have a huge embarrassing crush on me.”

"I wish you were here right now," Jongin sighs, "so I could hit you in the face with this pillow I'm holding."

Sehun cracks up. "You didn't deny it, though."

"Of course I didn't," Jongin says impatiently. "But you are wrong about one thing."

"And what's that?"

"I have nothing to be embarrassed about."

Sehun's heart thumps. "You can't say stuff like that," he whines. "It takes all the fun out of teasing you."

"You shouldn't have told me that." Sehun can hear the smile in Jongin's voice. "Now I know sentimentality is your kryptonite. Although, actually… I kind of already knew that, now that I think about it. But thanks for the reminder."

"Hey, that's not fair," Sehun protests, "you knowing my weakness when I don't know yours."

"Oh, don't give me that," Jongin laughs. "You absolutely know mine. But if you can't think of it off the top of your head, I'm not going to tell you."

Sehun pouts. "You're so mean to me."

Jongin squawks indignantly. "Last night you said I'm too nice to you, and now you say I'm mean to you? God, make up your mind already."

"Make me," Sehun quips, grinning helplessly.

"I would," Jongin sighs, "but as much as I want to, I can't exactly touch your dick through the phone." He lets out a sudden, short huff of laughter. "Hey, you're the computer scientist here. Start developing that technology."

"Yeah, I'll get—" Sehun pauses, suddenly overtaken by a yawn. "I'll get right on that."

Jongin makes a soft little sound on the other end of the line. "Sehun, you sound exhausted. Go to sleep."

"You're not the boss of me," Sehun retorts, yawning again.

"You sound like my nephew when he doesn't wanna go down for his nap," Jongin snickers. "Go to bed, you cranky-ass overgrown toddler."

"Y'know," Sehun grumbles, "you're awfully rude for someone who supposedly misses me."

Jongin clicks his teeth. "Tough love, baby. Besides, I'm about to pass out myself."

"Fine," Sehun groans as if it's the biggest inconvenience of all time, but he's smiling to himself. "Same time tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I think that'll work," Jongin says. "Maybe I'll send you a little something to look at before then, if you know what I mean." Sehun makes a sound that mostly comes out as a wordless gurgle, and Jongin laughs. "I'll take that as a yes?"

"Mmhmm." Sehun smiles and closes his eyes. "I would be very into that."

"Noted," Jongin says firmly. His voice softens, though, when he adds, "All right, I'm out. I love you."

"'Night," Sehun murmurs. "Love you too."

He ends the call and plugs in his phone, then turns out the light and gets under the covers, making himself comfortable. Wrapping his arms around a pillow, he presses his cheek to the cotton and sighs.

_One day down. Fifteen to go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish i could quit these motherfuckers, and yet... here we are. [world-weary sigh]
> 
> i started writing this back in august, almost as soon as i finished [you can't cross the line](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17282381/chapters/40645265), and i was going to wait to post it until everything i wanted to write was finished, but for some reason, every february i turn into a miserable depressed nightmare who needs constant validation, so, yet again... here we are. fyi, the title comes from another song by phoenix—"[fleur de lys](https://open.spotify.com/track/6tXfYX7BHCaafCy4so09gf)." also, [here](https://www.google.com/url?q=https://pastebin.com/su1kjLiQ&sa=D&ust=1581996660293000&usg=AFQjCNH8nlHT2v8i5EGC9QOk_DuoFOhvoQ) is a transcript of the text message convo, in case anyone's having a hard time viewing the images.
> 
> i have a handful of scenes (new year's eve, their return from break, jongin's birthday, etc.) planned out and mostly written, so i'm hoping that posting this first one will give me the push i need to finish the others. there's no real plot to them, just a mix of cute boyfriend shit, heavy emotional conversations, and gratuitous smut. (y'know, my usual offerings.)
> 
> if you enjoyed this little thing, kindly leave a kudos and a comment (seriously, it makes my fucking day) and feel free to say hi on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or [curiouscat](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)!


	2. december 31, a wednesday • january 1, a thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sad boy at a house party makes a long-distance phone call on new year's eve

_… Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight_  
_When it's exactly twelve o'clock that night_  
_Welcoming in the New Year, New Year's Eve …_

"Sehun. My dude. I love you like you're my own brother, but if I hear you sigh one more time, I am going to drop-kick you into my swimming pool."

Seulgi, seated to Sehun's right on one of the cushy overstuffed couches that line the walls of the Suh family's finished basement, frowns at Johnny. "Leave him alone. He misses Jongin."

"But we're supposed to be having fun," Johnny points out, flopping down onto the open cushion to Sehun's left. "This is a party, after all."

"Sure doesn't feel like it at the moment," Sejeong pipes up from behind the lip of her red plastic cup (which is filled with punch because Johnny's parents are home and would actually ground him for life if he even _thought_ about raiding their liquor cabinet to throw a rager in their basement). "Turn off this depressing-ass song and put on something fun. Maybe that'll cheer him up." She bats ineffectually at Johnny's giant arm. "Come on, get up, go change the music. Now."

Sejeong keeps pestering Johnny until he hauls himself off the couch to scan Spotify's New Year's Eve playlist offerings for something more upbeat, and then she plops down into his empty seat.

"He's right," Sehun says, catching himself before he sighs again, because Johnny is not joking about the drop-kicking thing—they've been friends since fourth grade, and in that time, Sehun's been thrown into the pool more times than he can count. "I am being a total buzzkill."

"I mean, yeah, a little," Sejeong says with a shrug, taking a sip of her drink. "But it's understandable. New Year's Eve is maybe the most romantic holiday after Valentine's Day. Probably more romantic, actually, now that I think of it, because it's not shoved in our faces by the candy companies or the greeting card industry. I know I wouldn't mind having someone to kiss at midnight, and it's gotta suck that you actually _do_ but you can't because he's three time zones away right now."

"It really does," Sehun says as the music abruptly changes to some upbeat dance track.

"Ooh, I love this song," Seulgi says happily, wiggling her shoulders along to the beat.

"Let's go dance," Sejeong suggests, and Seulgi immediately hops up off the couch to join her, but Sehun stays put. Sejeong pokes him in the arm. "That applies to you, too."

"I'm not in the mood—" Sehun tries to protest, but Sejeong puts a hand on her hip and shakes her head, pointing with the hand that's holding her drink toward the throng of people dancing by the speaker setup on the other side of the basement.

"Sehun, if you don't get over there and start shakin' it like a Polaroid picture, I'm gonna kick your ass. It is—" She pauses to pull out her phone, squinting at the overly bright screen. "8:37 p.m. Give us three songs, and then you can go call Jongin before the ball drops in New York, all right?"

Sejeong offers him a hand, Seulgi mimicking her, and together they pull him up off the couch and tug him over to the dance floor, where they proceed to bump and grind and goof off like it's the senior prom all over again. Sehun wouldn't call himself the most confident dancer, but he's got a decent sense of rhythm, and it's hard to feel self-conscious when he's surrounded by a bunch of other people who aren't much better at it than he is and probably aren't paying attention to him, anyway.

He checks his watch after a couple songs have played, still a little out of breath from shouting the refrain to Pitbull's "Give Me Everything," and his heart jumps when he sees that it's seven minutes until midnight on the East Coast.

"I'll be back in fifteen minutes," he shouts over the thumping bass of Sia's "Cheap Thrills," waving his phone at his friends.

"You better!" Sejeong yells, pointing a finger at him, but she's smiling.

Seulgi puts her hands around her mouth to magnify her voice. "Say hi to Jongin for us!"

Sehun gives her a thumbs-up and ducks out of the room, climbing the stairs to the main floor of the Suhs' house and slipping out the front door. He taps Jongin's contact in his phone and sits down at the top of the porch steps, glancing at his watch as he waits for Jongin to pick up.

He gets nervous when it rings for the third time without an answer, but midway through the fourth ring, he hears Jongin's voice, slightly out of breath. "Hey!"

"Hi," Sehun says, closing his eyes with a dreamy smile and leaning against one of the columns on either side of the porch. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No, no, I was just cleaning up a little so it's not a trainwreck here when my parents and my sister and brother-in-law get back," Jongin explains.

Sehun frowns. "I thought you were going to Taemin's."

"So did I, but they all got last minute tickets to… something, I don't remember what show, so Taemin came over here since I ended up on babysitting duty."

"Hi, Sehun," someone yells in the background—presumably Taemin, Jongin's best friend.

"Tell him I said hi," Sehun says. "Seulgi told me to tell you hi, too."

He hears the faint sound of Jongin's voice relaying his greetings to Taemin before the volume goes back to normal. "Oh, yeah, I saw her photo of all of you on her Instagram story earlier. Lookin' good."

"Get a room," Taemin says loudly, and Sehun smiles at the apparent scuffle that ensues on the other end of the line.

"Shut up," Jongin hisses, voice muffled. "You're gonna wake up my nephew and my sister is gonna kill me. Sorry, Sehun," he says, his voice coming in more clearly.

"Should I call back later, or tomorrow, or…?"

"No, no, he just likes to—" Another muffled sound of protest. "—razz me, that's all. I'm gonna go in my room, hang on."

"Fair warning, this is not gonna be that kind of phone call," Sehun says with a dry laugh, "considering I'm sitting on Johnny's front steps."

"Oh, I wouldn't be caught dead messing around like that while I'm supposed to be babysitting." Sehun hears the faint sound of a door clicking shut. "A closed door means nothing to a four-year-old. Anyway. How's your night going?"

"It's… going." Sehun picks at the denim where it's fraying at his knees. "Better now that I'm talking to you."

"Ah, that line is so corny," Jongin groans, but Sehun can tell he's smiling even without seeing him. "I'll allow it because you're cute and I know you mean it."

"I do," Sehun says firmly. "How's your night going? Do you mind being stuck at home babysitting?"

"Nah. Watching the kids at night isn't too hard, considering they have to be in bed by eight. And between the two of them and Taemin, it was enough of a distraction that it kept me from spending the whole night moping over the fact that I don't get to plant a big fat kiss on you in…" He pauses, ostensibly to check the time. "... two minutes."

Sehun smiles. "I know. I've been a giant buzzkill tonight. Johnny said if I sighed one more time he was gonna throw me in the pool."

"Ooh, you should let him," Jongin says, clearly perking up at this news, "and then take a bunch of wet T-shirt selfies and send them to me. Mmmm…" He sighs. "You look so hot when you're soaking wet."

"You better stop that," Sehun warns him, his ears growing warm.

Jongin snorts, and Sehun can see the smirk on his face in his mind's eye—and it is _not_ helping. "Yeah? Why's that?"

Sehun drops his voice. "Because I would rather die than be caught jerking off in the Suhs' guest bathroom, that's why."

Jongin cracks up. "God, you are _so_ easy to wind up, it's unreal."

"Says the guy who wants wet T-shirt pics," Sehun deadpans. "Not even shirtless ones—fully clothed! Who's thirsty now, bitch?"

Sehun grins into the receiver when Jongin laughs again. "We're so deprived," Jongin laments, his laughter gradually subsiding into a sigh.

"Seriously," Sehun says with feeling, glancing at his watch. "Oh, shit, fifteen seconds to midnight."

"Do you really want to count this down?" Jongin asks with amusement.

" _No_ ," Sehun says pettishly. "I'm just looking at the time on my watch."

Jongin laughs faintly. "I'm not teasing you, I promise."

"You are, a little," Sehun argues, "but I love you, so I don't really care."

"I love you, too," Jongin says as the clock strikes midnight on January 1. "Happy new year, Sehun." There's a loud smacking sound in his ear. "Consider that my IOU for Sunday."

Sehun's smiling so hard his face hurts. "Did you literally just kiss me through the phone?"

"You bet your sweet ass I did. Now, where's mine?"

"You'll get it on Sunday," Sehun says, his smile turning a little smug. "I promise I'll make it worth the wait."

"You always do." The warmth and fondness in Jongin's voice makes Sehun miss him even more in this moment. "Anyway, I'll let you get back to your party."

"Mmkay," Sehun says softly. "Happy new year. Talk to you tomorr— ah, later today, I mean. If you have time."

"I always have time for you," Jongin says, and Sehun smiles. "'Night."

"'Night," Sehun whispers, waiting for Jongin to end the call before he slides his phone into his back pocket.

Four more days. He can do this. Just four more days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a brief reprieve from our collective covid-19 social distancing??? i just knocked out the last 600 words of this in the past hour for no real reason. it's not very interesting, but most things in life and relationships are not very interesting from the outside. life is a real "you had to be there" kind of experience.
> 
> (can you tell that being stuck at home is making me analyze the shit out of everything??? lord, deliver my brain from this isolation before the 2 a.m. philosophizing starts!)
> 
> anyway, i hope you're all safe and healthy and that this brightens your day—or night, i guess, since i'm posting this just before midnight—even if only a little. the next part is mostly done, but because of who i am as a person, i'm definitely going to need to reread it and scrutinize every last word of it before i deem it acceptable for posting. but i don't think it will be another two months between vignettes like last time (though, in my defense, the past six weeks have just been utterly exhausting and also i had fest fics that i needed to prioritize).
> 
> p.s. the song lyrics at the top are from "what are you doing new year's eve?" which is an old standard that has been covered many times. i am partial to the version by mary margaret o'hara (who, i just learned, is the sister of the actress catherine o'hara—you know, the mom from home alone/schitt's creek?), which you can listen to [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RAkRAEAgD8)


	3. january 3, a saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a much-anticipated reunion!

Sehun arrives back on campus on Saturday evening, starving and disoriented yet again by the change in time zone. After scarfing down a very late dinner, he showers away that gross stale feeling that clings to him after every transcontinental flight before heading into his room to get dressed and ready for bed.

Knowing he's alone in the apartment because Jongin's not due back until Sunday afternoon, he doesn't bother closing the bedroom door, so it's easy to hear the main door of their duplex slam downstairs as he pulls a shirt over his head (not least because the house's rickety wooden frame shudders faintly from the impact every time that door is opened or closed). He doesn't think anything of it at first; maybe the students who live in the downstairs apartment are back for the January term as well. Sehun's pretty sure they're juniors or seniors, but he almost never sees them and doesn't even remember their names (if he ever learned them in the first place).

But then he hears creaking on the stairs, and _that_ creeps him out, because the landlord certainly wouldn't be dropping by this late, and Jongin's still in New York. No one should be coming up those stairs.

A frisson of terror runs through Sehun all of a sudden, because he doesn't remember whether he'd locked the door after he came in; he was dragging a lot of luggage up the stairs, after all. He almost trips as he yanks his flannel pajama bottoms up before tiptoeing out to the living room, and his stomach lurches as he nears the door because he can see that the deadbolt is turned the wrong way.

 _Fuck_ , he thinks hysterically, whipping his head around in vain in search of an object he could theoretically bludgeon an intruder with, but it's too late; the doorknob is rattling and he's just standing there like a deer caught in headlights as the door swings open and—

It's Jongin.

"Oh, hey!" Jongin beams at the sight of him, but his smile fades slightly at the startled look on Sehun's face. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, thank god," Sehun says, clapping a hand over his racing heart. "It _is_ you."

Jongin drops his duffel bag on the carpet before pushing the door shut behind him, looking faintly puzzled and a little windblown, a few snowflakes melting into his hair. "Who else would it be?"

"I don't know!" Sehun crosses the room to throw his arms around Jongin's neck. "I thought you weren't getting back until tomorrow and I got all nervous when I heard someone at the door."

"Aaah, I'm sorry." Jongin squeezes Sehun tightly around the middle before stepping back to look at him. "I was just trying to surprise you."

"Well, you definitely did," Sehun says with a wry smile, his heart beating quickly for a different reason now. He holds Jongin's face in his hands and draws him in for a kiss. "Hi—" Another kiss. "—I missed you."

"Missed you, too," Jongin says breathlessly, reaching between them to undo the fastenings on his coat and wriggling out of it until it slips down from his shoulders. He throws it over his duffel bag before taking Sehun in his arms properly, chattering in between returning his kisses. "Mmm. Knowing you were here already— I couldn't wait till tomorrow— so I told my mom I wanted an extra day to decompress before classes started—"

Sehun interrupts him with a soft shushing noise. "Explain later," he says, leaning into him before sealing their mouths together again.

Jongin sighs as his hands gravitate down Sehun's back to cup his ass and pull him closer, grinding their hips together. Sehun whimpers right back, hooking an ankle around the back of Jongin's calf.

"C'mere," Jongin murmurs, coupling it with a light smack to Sehun's ass, and Sehun's cock twitches in his PJs as he jumps and Jongin catches him, hands gripping the backs of his thighs.

Sehun's legs tighten around Jongin's waist, and he breaks the kiss to press his lips to Jongin's cheeks and jaw and neck, giving him a clear view of the hallway as he hurries toward the bedroom. Jongin uses his elbow to flip the switch for the overhead light, and they're too consumed with each other to really care about the lack of ambience. Jongin sets Sehun back on his feet by the side of the bed, and Sehun's about to sit down and scoot back when Jongin stops him.

"I owe you one, remember?" he says, pulling at the drawstring of Sehun's pajama pants.

Sehun's forehead presses against Jongin's, one hand curled around the back of his neck while the other grips his shoulder, and he chokes out a soft "Oh, _god_ " as Jongin slips his hand beneath Sehun's pajamas to palm him through his boxers. Jongin's not even really touching him yet, but knowing it's not his own hand makes it feel so much more pleasurable already, gets him excited that much faster.

"How's that?" Jongin murmurs, knowing full well the effect it's having on Sehun.

Sehun indulges his ego anyway. "So good," he whispers, mouth dry. "More, please."

"Always so polite," Jongin says, plainly amused. He tilts his head to catch Sehun's lips in another kiss as he works both hands under the waistband of Sehun's boxers and pushes them down, taking a moment to knead Sehun's ass in his hands once it's bared. Jongin breaks the kiss with a soft smacking sound and gives Sehun's cheeks one more good squeeze. "God, I missed that."

Sehun laughs shortly. "Which part?"

"All of it," Jongin replies, kissing him more softly this time as he curls his right hand around Sehun's cock and pulls up on it slowly, teasing him until he's fully hard and moaning into Jongin's neck. Only then does Jongin shake free of Sehun's grasp and drop to his knees, taking Sehun into his mouth.

Sehun cries out briefly at how suddenly the wet heat surrounds his cock, overwhelmed by the alternating softness and tension of Jongin's tongue pressing against the shaft. He clutches Jongin's shoulder again with one hand while the other pets his hair, his face, his neck, as if those touches could ever adequately express how pleased he is to have Jongin back—to have him _here_ , kneeling before Sehun with his beautiful lips sliding back and forth along the length of Sehun's cock, following the movement of his fist as Jongin strokes what he can't fit in his mouth. Sehun loves this feeling more than anything else, he thinks; even more than Jongin's fingers or cock thrusting into him, as eager as he is for that to happen soon, if not tonight.

He starts to wonder if Jongin likes one sensation better than the other, which in turn makes him curious about whether it's even possible for the pleasure he feels when Jongin sucks on the head of his cock to be eclipsed by, say, the feeling of Jongin sinking down onto it for the first time. It's been a few weeks since he let himself entertain these kinds of thoughts—Jongin writhing in his lap, or lying on the mattress with his knees pulled in toward his chest, or face down on the bed with his ass in the air, stretched open around Sehun's cock in every scenario—and the unexpected appearance of those images behind his eyelids takes him to the brink far quicker than he'd anticipated.

"Shit, I'm gonna come," Sehun hisses, but Jongin doesn't pull away; he merely slides his hands up the backs of Sehun's thighs to squeeze his ass and increases the suction around Sehun's cock until he spills onto Jongin's tongue and down his throat with a shaky moan, legs trembling.

When Jongin finally releases him, Sehun pulls his pants up and collapses onto the end of the bed, eyes closed and chest heaving. His eyes flutter open again once he's caught his breath a little, and he glances down to see Jongin still kneeling in front of him, just watching him. Sehun beckons him closer, and he scoots forward as Sehun leans down to hold Jongin's face in both hands and kiss him tenderly.

"You're so good at that," he sighs, resting his forehead against Jongin's for a moment before he sits back. "Thank you."

"Pleasure's all mine," Jongin grunts as he gets to his feet. He walks around the side of the bed to turn on the small table lamp, then walks back across the room to flick the off switch on the harsh overhead light before parking himself on the bed next to Sehun. "That's better."

Sehun lifts a hand to sift it through Jongin's hair. "You hungry or anything?"

"Nah, I ate at the station before my train left." Jongin smiles at him. "Have you eaten?"

Sehun nods. "I ordered Chinese while I was on the way home from the airport. Timed it perfectly so it got here, like, five minutes after I did." He grins at Jongin's muttered _Niiiice_ and follows through when Jongin lifts his hand for a fistbump. "Are you tired?"

"Nope." Jongin catches Sehun's hand before it falls at his side and holds it in both of his, playing with his fingers. "But your day was a lot longer than mine, travel-wise. Aren’t you exhausted?"

Sehun shrugs. "Not really. I napped on the plane, and I'm still on West Coast time, anyway. It'll be a miracle if I fall asleep before 2 a.m., honestly."

"Oh, well, if you're looking for something to tire you out," Jongin says, leaning over to murmur in Sehun's ear like he's telling a secret, "I have a few suggestions."

A smile tugs at the corners of Sehun’s mouth. "Yeah, I bet you do.”

He turns his head to kiss Jongin's cheek, knowing that Jongin will turn his own head to kiss Sehun square on the lips—which he does, letting go of Sehun's hand to curl his fingers around the back of Sehun's neck instead, his palm gently guiding Sehun to lie down beside him. Sehun's head naturally settles in the crook of Jongin's elbow as they continue to kiss, and the hand on his neck drifts down his body and slips underneath his T-shirt to rest at his waist.

"Been thinking about this all day," Sehun laughs softly when Jongin breaks away to mouth at his neck and ears. "All week, if I'm being honest. Although it was a little more like—" Sehun throws one leg over Jongin's hip, digging his heel into the back of Jongin's leg until Jongin gets the hint, shifting until he's on top of Sehun, hips between his thighs. "—that." Sehun reaches between them to pop the button on Jongin's jeans and draw the zipper down. "And you weren't wearing nearly this much clothing."

"Oh, you're funny." Jongin kisses him and pulls back with a grin on his face. "I was thinking I should be gentle—y'know, ease you back into it," he snickers, hands planted on the bed on either side of Sehun's shoulders. "And yet here you are lying there, like, 'Nah, I just wanna get plowed.'"

"You don't know what it's been like, going cold turkey like that," Sehun protests, pushing haplessly at Jongin's jeans until Jongin takes pity on him and sits up, climbing off the bed to fetch the necessities from the drawer. "I get one taste of it and it's ripped away from me for two weeks! I may have caused permanent damage to my wrist from fingering myself so much, and it's all your fault."

"Why?" Jongin laughs as he tosses the condoms and lube onto the bed, leaving the wipes on the nightstand before he starts to undress, yanking his shirt over his head. He drops it on the floor and leans over the bed, looming over Sehun with a smug smirk on his face. "Dick too bomb? Fingers can't compete?"

Sehun stares blankly at him for a moment before reaching for one of the pillows and whipping it at Jongin's head before he has time to react, his stoic expression breaking slightly at the sound of Jongin's high-pitched cackle.

"Is that a no?" Jongin says breathlessly, stooping to pick up the pillow and put it back on the bed before divesting himself of the rest of his clothing.

" _No_ , but, like…" Sehun shoots him a helpless look as he follows suit, wriggling out of his pajamas and underwear and kicking them off the side of the bed, his T-shirt following shortly thereafter. He lowers his voice, hoping Jongin won’t take offense to what he’s about to say. "You sound like such a fuckboy when you put it that way."

Jongin throws back his head and laughs as he straightens up and climbs back onto the bed, slotting himself between Sehun's legs again. " _There's_ the romantic I know and love," he says teasingly, nuzzling Sehun's cheek. "I love how much you hate it when I'm crass."

"Because you only do it to wind me up," Sehun points out, flicking Jongin's arm for emphasis. "I mean, yeah, okay, _fine_ , I wanna get pounded, but, like… nicely. _Romantically._ Is that too much to ask?"

Jongin looks down at him with a fond smile that makes Sehun's insides flutter. "No, I think I can manage that," he says quietly, coupling it with a lingering kiss before finally tearing himself away to ready Sehun, their lips meeting again only after Jongin's three fingers deep inside of him, kisses muffling all the little noises that catch in Sehun's throat with every press of Jongin’s fingertips.

"Oh my god," Sehun gasps finally, groping for the strip of condoms and brandishing it at Jongin with another breathless kiss. "Do it, fuck me now, _please_."

Jongin withdraws his hand, and within a minute or two he's cleaned up and rolled a condom onto his cock. "Like this?" he asks, resituating himself with Sehun's thighs on either side of his waist.

Sehun's about to nod, but he hesitates. "Wait, can we—" The back of his neck runs hot. "I was thinking maybe I'd flip over, if that's cool with you."

"Oh, _hell_ yeah." Jongin shivers with delight, sitting back on his heels so Sehun can turn over and get on all fours. "Don't get me wrong, I love seeing your face and all that, but this…" He whistles. "This is one of your best angles, from where I'm sitting."

Sehun resists the urge to downplay the compliment and get all self-conscious about it and instead responds with a dry laugh as he plants his hands on the mattress. "Yeah, I thought it might be, uh, mutually beneficial."

Jongin laughs. "Well, I'll do my best to hold up my end of the bargain," he says warmly as he scoots closer, rubbing the head of his cock against Sehun's entrance.

" _Fuck_ ," Sehun moans, pushing his hips back against Jongin's. "Oh, c'mon, don't tease me, just put it in already. I've waited long enough."

"All right, all right, I'm going," Jongin says with a placating laugh, gripping Sehun's hip with one hand while the other steadies his cock as he enters Sehun. He grabs hold of Sehun's other hip once he's all the way in, stilling himself for a moment. " _God_."

Sehun's arms buckle almost immediately, and he sinks down onto his forearms, hanging his head until it's nearly touching the mattress. Jongin moves in him, pulling back slightly and thrusting slowly, experimentally, and Sehun can't silence the moan that Jongin draws from him in response.

Jongin gives Sehun’s hips a little squeeze, thumbs stroking his bare skin. “You doin’ okay?”

"Feels so good," Sehun groans, clutching handfuls of the comforter in his fists. He angles his hips back toward Jongin's and stifles a whine in the crook of his elbow. " _Fuck._ "

Jongin pushes down on Sehun's hips. "Lie down, stretch out a little bit," he says, shifting to straddle Sehun's thighs once he's sprawled out on his belly. Jongin leans forward until his body is nearly flush with Sehun's, wrapping an arm around Sehun's chest from behind before he starts to move again, fucking Sehun in slow, deep thrusts.

"I thought about this every day," Jongin grunts over the sound of Sehun's moans, pressing a few kisses into the curve of his neck. " _Fuck_ , you're perfect. Missed you so much."

Sehun can't muster anything more than a whimper in response, can't verbalize how those words make him feel—not while he's consumed by the way Jongin holds him, kisses him, rocks into him slowly at first and then with quicker, shallower movements that somehow have Sehun hurtling toward the edge, even with his cock untouched, trapped between his belly and the bedspread.

"Oh my god," Sehun says, the words coming out shakily as he shudders beneath Jongin. He presses his face into a pillow to muffle a cry, then turns his head, chest heaving as he gasps, "Fuck, don't stop, I'm gonna—"

He breaks off with a loud, long moan as he comes, hips moving jerkily underneath Jongin's as he tries to rut against the mattress. Jongin stops for a moment, buries his face in Sehun's neck, and Sehun can feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest against his back.

"Wait," Jongin gasps, taking a gulp of air, "did you really just—"

" _Yes_ ," Sehun interrupts him, tensing around his dick and wriggling his hips to the best of his ability. "Keep going, it still feels good."

A small wavering sound slips out of Jongin's mouth. " _Fuck_ , that's hot." He kisses Sehun's neck and the hollow behind his ear before he loosens his hold on Sehun's upper body. "Hang on, I'm gonna move."

Breathing heavily, Sehun hooks his arms around a pillow as Jongin sits back on his heels and pulls Sehun back by the hips, taking him in quick, shallow thrusts until his grip suddenly tightens and he cries out, his hips gradually stuttering to a stop. Slowly, he withdraws and shifts to sit on the edge of the bed while he cleans himself up, offering Sehun some wipes and tissues so he can do the same.

Sehun moves to clean up the wet spot beneath him, but Jongin stops him. "Wait, wait, not yet, I wanna see." Sehun moves aside, feeling faintly embarrassed, and Jongin peers down at the comforter, then back up at Sehun. "I didn't even know that was possible," he says, leaning forward to give Sehun a kiss. "You're incredible."

Sehun rolls over and hides his face in the pillow, suddenly bashful. "Stop," he says, his voice slightly muffled.

He hears the sound of Jongin dabbing at the comforter followed by the sound of several small objects hitting the plastic bag in the trash bin, and then the mattress shakes as Jongin flops down beside him and rests a hand on Sehun's back.

"Never," Jongin says, nuzzling and kissing his cheek. "I'm gonna keep saying it until you believe it, and that's that."

Sehun sighs and turns his head to face Jongin. "Then you're gonna be saying it for a while, fair warning."

"Challenge accepted," Jongin says with an impish grin, pecking Sehun on the lips and giving him a light slap on the ass before he sits up and gets out of bed. "I'm gonna go hop in the shower and rinse off real quick, 'kay?"

Sehun throws out an arm, catching Jongin's wrist in his grasp and tugging on it. "Wait, wait, c'mere, before I forget."

He pulls until Jongin sits down on the edge of the bed and leans over him with an indulgent smile. "What is it?"

Sehun lets go of Jongin's hand and reaches up to frame Jongin's face with his hands, looking up at him for a few moments. Jongin looks right back at him with a curious little quirk to his brow, and Sehun smiles as he pulls Jongin down into a kiss, and a _good_ kiss, at that—not too hard but not too gentle, intent but unhurried, and with just the right amount of tongue.

Jongin sighs into it and leans in closer to Sehun, and it almost seems as though he's going to get back into bed until he starts to ease out of the kiss instead, letting Sehun steal a few more pecks before he sits up again.

"What was that for?" Jongin asks, lifting a hand to stroke Sehun's cheek.

"New Year's Eve," Sehun says simply. "Was it worth the wait?"

Jongin smiles brilliantly, love etched into every inch of his face.

"You have no idea how much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna hold off on posting this until next week, but time doesn't mean anything to me anymore, so here you go. hope y'all like it! let me know what you think in the comments or on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals)/[cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals). enjoy the rest of your weekend! ([lady violet crawley voice] " _what_ is a week-end???")
> 
> (oh, and i updated the tags, too, because i forgot to do that in the last installment.)


	4. january 8, a thursday • january 9, a friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sehun receives an inconvenient reminder about that therapy session he'd scheduled for himself.
> 
> cw: brief mentions of trauma/abuse in the context of a new patient questionnaire.

By the time Thursday evening rolls around, Sehun's so exhausted by the intensity of the first week of classes that he almost forgets about the appointment he'd made a month earlier.

"Oh, fuck," he says softly, slumping against the arm of the couch as he reads the text reminder that arrives on the eve of his first therapy session.

Jongin rests his forearms on Sehun's legs, which are stretched across his lap as they pick up where they left off on _Scrubs_ during a break from homework. "What's the matter?"

Nausea wells up in Sehun's throat. "Remember that therapy appointment I made?"

Jongin frowns. "Oh, come on, don't tell me they canceled on you."

"No, no." Sehun shows him the message, heart racing in his chest. "It's tomorrow."

"Oh." Jongin cocks his head, adorably perplexed. "What's the problem, then?"

"There isn't one, really," Sehun admits, a hot flush creeping up the back of his neck. "I'm just— I don't know. I mean, I've been feeling okay lately. Maybe it's just that I was super stressed out at the end of the semester, and I don't really— oh, don't look at me like that, Jongin."

"Like what?" Jongin pauses the show and reaches out to hold his hand, kindness in his gaze. "How am I looking at you?"

"Like— like—" Sehun screws up his face as he grasps for the words. "Like you think I'm making excuses for myself, and— and— yeah."

"Are you?" Jongin raises his eyebrows the tiniest bit. "Making excuses for yourself, I mean."

Sehun's mouth scrunches up in annoyance, because the obvious response to that question is yes. He knows it, and Jongin certainly does, too. They stare each other down for a few moments, Jongin placidly and Sehun a little more aggressively.

"You look like a frog when you do that," Jongin says finally, gesturing at his mouth.

Sehun gawks at him, startled into a reply. "I do not!"

"You do," he insists with a stubborn nod, pushing Sehun's legs off of his lap so he can scoot closer and wrap his arms around Sehun, his cheek pressed against Sehun's shoulder. "Like a grumpy little toad. Cute, grouchy little frogface."

"I hate you," Sehun groans, wriggling in his grasp.

"No, you don't," Jongin says blithely, squeezing him tighter. "You just wanna pick a fight because you're scared and you get mean when you feel cornered. It's okay. I know you don't really mean it."

He kisses Sehun's arm through the sleeve of his T-shirt, and Sehun wishes he could take the words back because it doesn't matter that he didn't mean them—he shouldn't have said them at all.

"Don't be nice to me when I'm being horrible," Sehun says, a slight waver in his voice as he glances away and blinks the stinging feeling out of his eyes. He sniffs and clears his throat. "It only encourages me."

"I know," Jongin says in a soothing voice. He sits up, pulling his left leg up onto the couch as he opens his arms to Sehun. "C'mere."

Sehun leans sideways, falling into him, and Jongin folds him into his embrace, almost cradling him in his arms.

"Look, I'm not gonna force you into something you don't want to do," he says quietly, his lips warm against Sehun's neck, "but, for what it's worth… I think you should go tomorrow. I mean, the worst that can happen is that it doesn't feel like a good fit, but if it does work out… I dunno, I just think maybe it could help you. That's all. I just want you to be happy. Not, like, 'yay!' happy," he clarifies, "but, like… content. Feeling like the best version of yourself. Y'know what I mean?"

Jongin gives him a squeeze and kisses his neck again, sending a little shiver down his spine as Sehun relaxes against him. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he says softly. He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, finally adding, "You're right—that reminder took me by surprise, and I got nervous, and I started thinking of excuses not to go, and you were just trying to listen and I took it out on you and I'm sorry."

Jongin runs a comforting hand along his side. "I know. It's okay. I forgive you."

Sehun releases a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "The appointment is at nine tomorrow, before my first class. I'm gonna go."

"That's good," Jongin says warmly, nuzzling his cheek. "I'm really proud of you."

"Thank you," Sehun mumbles, hiding his face against Jongin's arm. "You're the best. I love you."

Jongin gives him a sloppy, overexaggerated kiss on the cheek, much to Sehun's (laughing) protest. "Right back atcha."

🧠

Sehun stands in the lobby of the campus medical center for a full five minutes before he finally gins up the will to get in the elevator and head up to the counseling center on the fourth floor. He doesn't do it out of any sense of determination or commitment, really—it's more that they'd asked him in the text message to arrive half an hour before his appointment to fill out paperwork, and he doesn't want to waste too much of anyone's time.

The woman he'd made the appointment with a month earlier is working at the reception desk, and she looks up with a little smile when he enters the office and approaches the desk.

"H-hi, I have an appointment at nine? Last name is Oh."

She asks him to verify his date of birth, address, and insurance information, then hands him a clipboard with a couple forms on it.

"One is just to verify that you've been notified of our privacy practices, and the other is a questionnaire about what brings you in today," she says. "You can just bring them up when you're done and then I'll let the counselor know you're here."

Sehun takes the forms and heads to the seating area, shrugging off his backpack before he sinks into a chair. He skims the privacy form and signs it, then turns his attention to the questionnaire, which is a bit longer than he'd anticipated. There are questions about whether he'd ever been hospitalized, used psychiatric medications, or self-harmed, as well as a host of questions about whether he'd ever experienced various types of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or trauma, and a whole sheet asking about his history with drugs and alcohol.

He ticks "no" or "n/a" on all of them, and he starts feeling kind of silly about why he's even here. Clearly, some people have it _a lot_ worse than he does, and here he is tying up forty-five minutes of a therapist's day when they could probably be helping someone whose problems are far more serious than Sehun's.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he puts the pen down on the clipboard to look at the notification. He smiles faintly and unlocks his phone when he sees that it's a message from Jongin—and a long one, from the looks of it.

[](https://i.imgur.com/ogaqnNn.jpg)  
---  
  
His spirits sufficiently buoyed by his boyfriend's thoughtfulness, he returns to the next section of the form, which is a personality survey featuring a series of yes-or-no questions. Sehun flips through the next couple of pages to see how long it is, and discovers with dismay that there are _a hundred and six questions_ on topics ranging from self-esteem and emotional responses to interpersonal skills and relationships, from criminal activity to hallucinations. The vast majority he's able to tick "no" on, but a handful of them—Do you find it hard to be open, even with people you are close to? Do you often worry about being criticized or rejected in social situations? Do you believe you're not as good, as smart, or as attractive as other people? Do you often feel empty inside?—he ticks "yes."

The final section is about his current life situation—typical daily routine, social life, family, school life, intimate relationships—as well as related details about his childhood. This part takes the longest to fill out, and he's definitely a few minutes into his scheduled appointment time by the time he brings the clipboard back up to the receptionist.

"Great, thanks!" She points to the door on the right, which leads further back into the main office. "You can head on back now. You'll be seeing Dr. Shim. Second door on the left."

Sehun hikes his backpack up a little higher on his shoulder and follows her directions, pausing outside the doorway of the office, which has a placard under the room number that reads _Max Shim • Clinical Psychologist_. The door is open, but he's looking at some papers on his desk, so Sehun knocks softly on the doorframe until Dr. Shim looks up.

"You must be Sehun." He smiles and stands up, gesturing to the little couch pushed against one wall of the office, across from which is an armchair that the doctor must sit in. "Come on in and have a seat."

Sehun steps into the office and gestures awkwardly at the door. "Should I, uh…"

"Oh, yeah, go ahead and close that." Sehun pushes the door to and drops his backpack on the floor beside the couch before he sits down on one end of it, and Dr. Shim picks up his coffee mug and moves to join him, putting his drink down on the little table beside his armchair. He picks up a legal pad and a pen and sinks into the chair, making himself comfortable before looking up at Sehun. He has a friendly-looking face, and it makes Sehun feel a little less like throwing up. "So, Sehun. What brings you in today?"

Sehun's mouth drops open and the words come out before he can stop them. "I just— the form—" He flaps a hand at the door. "Did she not—?"

Dr. Shim laughs. "I know, I know, you just spent half an hour filling out that new patient questionnaire and now I'm making you repeat yourself. I'll read through it before our next session to get a clearer picture of your history, but since this is our first meeting and time is short, I'd just like to hear it from you directly." He raises his pen and notepad off his lap slightly, nodding at them. "Do you mind if I take a few notes?"

"I, uh… okay." Sehun blinks a few times, trying to remember the first question. _Oh, right. Duh._ "I'm here because… because I think I might have an anxiety problem? And maybe depression, too, I dunno."

"Okay." Dr. Shim scribbles something on his notepad. "And what precipitated that realization? Was there some specific event or incident that made you want to seek counseling?"

"Well, it kind of started off like… like an agreement, I guess? See, my friend and I made this pact back in November that we'd both try therapy because he's all mean and repressed and I'm a total basket case. But the thing is, he held up his end of the bargain, and I totally flaked because I started dating my roommate and I was so happy about it that I thought all my problems went away, but of _course_ they didn't, and then Jongdae—that's my friend—he was like, 'Dude, your boyfriend can't be the only good thing in your life, that's way too much pressure on him,' so I felt like complete garbage, and—"

"Wait, wait, slow down," Dr. Shim says, holding up a hand. "So, you started dating your roommate last semester? How did that come about? Had you been living together prior to that, or just since the beginning of this year?"

Sehun freezes up for a moment, suddenly nervous that this is going to get him in trouble or something, and it must show on his face because Dr. Shim clarifies: "I'm just trying to get some context. You're not going to be reported to Residential Life or anything like that."

"Oh, o-okay," Sehun stutters, the tension in his shoulders abating somewhat. "We, uh… he was my roommate last year, too. I'd had a crush on him basically since the first time I laid eyes on his Facebook profile, before school even started, but I always assumed he was straight. Turns out he's bi. Anyway, I just kind of lived in despair about the whole thing until this party we were at this past Halloween, when I, um, messed around with a mutual friend of ours who was hosting the party, and Jongin—that's my boyfriend—hooked up with this girl, and I was, like, completely devastated, and then on top of that he barely spoke to me for, like, a whole week because it turns out he was suuuuuper jealous and hurt, and finally I couldn't take it anymore and we got into this huge fight that ended in me admitting I had feelings for him and him admitting the same thing, and… yeah. We patched things up really quickly after that and everything's been really good ever since."

"That must have been a complicated relationship change to navigate," Dr. Shim comments. "To go from simply sharing a living space and being on friendly terms to being in a romantic relationship overnight… what was that transition like?"

"It was, uh… kinda tricky," Sehun says, thinking back to those early days. "But Jongin's really smart and, like, practical? So we kinda came up with some… ground rules, I guess. To keep things from, uh, moving too fast, since, y'know, most people don't live together when they start dating."

"And how did that work out?"

"It, uh… we were— we were really, um, restrained at first," Sehun says, staring resolutely at the abstract art print hanging on the wall above Dr. Shim's desk, cheeks aflame, "but we were already so comfortable being around each other that things… got a little out of hand more quickly than we'd anticipated."

"I see. Did that make you feel uncomfortable or pressured in any way?"

Sehun forces himself to look at Dr. Shim and shakes his head. "No, not at all. I think Jongin was more worried about that than I was. I mean, I was _really_ nervous about it, but I think Jongin was more because I'd never— I didn't have very much, um, experience? And he didn't want to push me into anything I wasn't totally ready for. We, uh— we always talk about stuff like that before and after, and I…" Sehun shrugs and looks down at the carpeting. "I like that. It makes me feel… I dunno, safe? Like I can always say no to something I don't want to do and I know he'll stop and he won't be guilt-trippy or pissy about it."

"It's not always easy to communicate your needs to a partner, especially when it comes to sensitive matters like sex," Dr. Shim says. "So it's really good that you two seem to be able to talk about it so honestly."

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I still find it super embarrassing to talk about it a lot of the time because it's not something my parents liked to discuss, so I'm not really used to talking about it comfortably. But Jongin is really, y'know, understanding about that, so it's not as, uh, awkward as it could be, I guess."

"Mmhmm." Dr. Shim writes something down on his notepad. "Speaking of your parents… what do your families think about your relationship?"

"They, um— I mean, we were a-afraid that—" Sehun deflates and looks down at his hands. "We haven't told them."

"I see. Is it because they don't know that you're both attracted to men, or because you live together, or both?"

"Oh, no, no, my parents have known for a few years that I'm gay, so it's not that," Sehun says quickly. "Jongin's family knows about him, too. It's the, uh, it's more the live-in boyfriend thing that I think they might have a problem with. I mean, we're gonna tell them we're together eventually! We just wanted to wait until the end of the year because we live in an off-campus apartment and we were worried they might try to make us move out if they found out. Jongin and I haven't talked about next year yet, but I, um… I was thinking maybe we could move back on campus and try to get singles in the same dorm, so even if we can't live together we can still be in the same building. Assuming… y'know, that we're still together in the fall."

"Is there a particular reason you wouldn't be?"

Sehun sighs. "Well, my family lives in LA, and his lives in Queens, and being three thousand miles away from each other over winter break sucked, and that was just two weeks. I'm… I'm afraid of what's gonna happen if we're apart for the whole summer. I mean, I'm not gonna lose interest in him. I just… worry that he's gonna get tired of me."

"Has he ever given you a reason to think that might happen?"

"No, no, not at all," Sehun says with a fervent shake of his head. "He's— he's really good to me. He's a good listener, and he's really patient, and— and thoughtful, and sensitive, and… he's just perfect. I mean, look, I know no one's actually perfect, but he's perfect for _me_. He gets me. I just—" Sehun looks down at his hands, fingers picking at the inseam of his jeans. "Sometimes I think he deserves someone better than me."

"Better how?"

"Y'know… someone more normal and less neurotic and— I dunno, fragile? I really don't understand what he sees in me. It's like— like, no matter how many times he tells me he— that he loves me, I'm still afraid someday he's gonna wake up and realize that I'm clingy and needy and annoying and he's gonna get sick of reassuring me all the time and just cut his losses. I mean, I sure wouldn't wanna deal with someone like me all the time."

"Mmm." Dr. Shim jots down a few more things on his legal pad and looks up at Sehun. "This is all very good to know. Do you mind if I drop a little neuroscience on you? I promise it's relevant."

Sehun shakes his head. "Go ahead."

"Right. So, there's this part of the brain called the amygdala. There's two of them, actually—one on each side of your brain. And what they do is process memories that are associated with emotional responses. They help us make decisions based on those emotional memories. One of those key emotions the amygdala responds to is fear. Here's an example: Let's say you're a little kid, and you get stung by a bee. For some kids, it hurts, but they believe it when their parents say that most bees won't sting you if you don't bother them, so they don't worry about it after the sting heals; they just try not to get in the bees' way. But for other kids, they remember how much that bee sting hurt, and that momentary fear hangs around and develops into a phobia. They get nervous and flip out or run away anytime there are bees around because they're afraid of being stung again, and sometimes this behavior continues into adulthood. Both scenarios are different types of fear conditioning. That's what helps us make decisions that keep us safe and don't put us in unnecessary danger. Sounds good, right?"

Sehun nods. "Yeah."

"But in an anxious person, the fear conditioning has gone too far, especially when it comes to social phobias," Dr. Shim continues. "Your amygdala starts working overtime in situations that don't require it, to the point where it becomes disruptive to your life. In your case, you're worried about messing up your relationship in spite of all the evidence that your boyfriend cares as much about you as you do about him, because evidence means nothing to the anxious brain, and reassurance stops helping after a while. All your amygdala hears is 'He didn't respond to my text right away, he's going to break up with me,' or 'He had a funny look on his face when I asked him a question today, he must think I'm so annoying,' and it goes into crisis mode. It tells one part of your brain to release stress hormones that upset your digestion and trigger your fight-or-flight-or-freeze response, and another to activate the part of your nervous system that increases your heart rate and blood pressure and makes you hyperventilate. Evolutionarily speaking, your brain's definition of a dangerous situation has changed so radically that it's reacting to a nonexistent interpersonal conflict the way it would have responded to a saber-toothed tiger attack twelve thousand years ago. Does that make sense?"

Sehun nods. "I mean, I guess I already knew my brain was stupid and broken," he mumbles with a little shrug, "but it's good to have confirmation."

"Hmm. Let's review that first statement," Dr. Shim says. "You say your brain is stupid and broken. Lots of people struggle with anxieties similar to yours. Would you call their brains stupid and broken, too?"

"Well… no," Sehun says slowly, cheeks growing hot as he fixes his gaze on that painting across the room once more.

"Then why be so unkind to yourself?" Dr. Shim asks. "Are you aware that you've used a lot of negative self-talk in our brief time together so far?"

Sehun blinks at him a few times. "I guess so, now that you mention it."

"A lot of anxious behaviors and thoughts are things that have stuck with you from childhood," Dr. Shim says gently. "Think of the anxious brain like it's your inner child. You wouldn't yell at or berate a scared little kid, right? Look at it another way: What if it was one of your friends, or your boyfriend struggling with thoughts like this? You wouldn't talk to them the way you talk to yourself, right?"

Sehun looks up at him and shakes his head, and Dr. Shim offers him a kind smile.

"A big part of working through anxious thoughts is learning to let yourself _feel_ those feelings. When you try to push them down or ignore them, or you constantly beat yourself up for thinking those thoughts, it's like pushing the snooze button on alarm clock over and over. They're just going to come back. You have to learn to let yourself acknowledge the feelings and give yourself permission to be scared, or sad, or angry for a little while. When you accept that it's okay to feel bad sometimes, it takes away some of the power that those anxious thoughts have over you, and it helps you become aware of certain thought patterns so you can eventually learn to redirect those thoughts in a more productive way. It's not easy, and it doesn't happen right away, but if you decide to stick with it, I think therapy could be really helpful for you."

Sehun nods slowly, hesitating for a few moments before he asks, "What about, um, meds?"

"I'd like to see you for a few more sessions before I make any kind of judgment on that account," Dr. Shim says. "I'm not a prescriber, but if I think you could benefit from a medication regimen, I can make a recommendation to our staff psychiatrist, and she can write you a prescription. For now, let's just keep talking and see where that leads us." He glances at his watch. "That's our time for today, though."

Sehun looks at the clock; it's already 9:45. "Oh, wow, that went— that went quicker than I thought it would."

"I usually have to try a lot harder to get first-time patients to open up. You did a lot of good work today." Dr. Shim smiles. "I am going to give you a little homework for next time, though, if that's okay."

"Oh, uh…" Sehun fiddles with the hem of his shirt. "What kind of homework?"

"I want you to come up with a list of your good qualities—as many as possible, but let's shoot for at least ten," Dr. Shim says. "Does that seem doable?"

It takes everything Sehun has in him not to roll his eyes. "Sure."

"Great. Make sure to bring it with you next time." Dr. Shim writes something down on his legal pad, then gets up and walks over his desk to flip through his appointment book. "Does this time slot work for you going forward, or are you going to need to reschedule when the spring semester starts?"

"I, um— I think my Friday mornings are open, but I'll double-check and let you know." Sehun stands up and grabs his backpack, and Dr. Shim walks over to open the door and see him out. "It was nice to meet you. I'll, uh, see you next week."

"Until then," Dr. Shim says. "Have a good week."

🧠

[](https://i.imgur.com/9HrVp85.jpg)  
---  
  
🧠

Sehun trudges up the stairs to his apartment at the day's end, mentally and emotionally wiped out after a whole day of class and pouring his metaphorical guts out to a stranger.

Jongin's lying on the couch playing a video game, but he pauses it and puts the controller down on the coffee table when Sehun walks in. "Hey! How was your day?"

Sehun drops his backpack next to the door and hangs up his coat, then wordlessly shuffles into the living room and proceeds to drape himself over Jongin's body, burying his face in the crook of Jongin's neck.

Jongin wraps an arm around his waist and rubs his back. "That bad, huh?"

"Not really," Sehun mumbles, snuggling closer. "I'm just tired."

"Mmkay." The hand on Sehun's back slides up to stroke the back of his neck for several moments, then sinks into his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Not much to say," Sehun says, inhaling the lingering scent of Jongin's shower gel. "I just have so much work to do this weekend. Even my _therapist_ gave me homework."

"Yeah?" Sehun huffs out a blissful little sigh as Jongin keeps scratching his head. "What kind of homework?"

"He, uh…" Sehun turns his head slightly so Jongin can hear him a little more clearly. "He says I'm too negative about myself, so he wants me to come up with a list of as many good things about myself as possible."

"Ooh, I like him already," Jongin says. "Here, I'll start. You're sweet, and kind, and thoughtful, and considerate, and funny, and honest to a fault, and you have the biggest heart and a good sense of right and wrong, and you're a good listener, and you're the best cheerleader ever, and—"

Blushing furiously, Sehun interrupts him with a kiss, but Jongin takes his face in both hands and gently pushes him back, continuing, undaunted, "—oh, yeah, and you're an _excellent_ kisser, and—"

"Shut _up_ ," Sehun whines, hiding his face again.

"Fine," Jongin says, petting his hair. "I just— I hope someday you're able to see yourself the way I see you, because I think you're pretty great. That's all."

"I hope so, too," Sehun whispers, and he means it. "Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this "chapter" came out a lot faster than i'd anticipated; i wrote it in maybe three sittings between last night and this afternoon. i'm worried that a lot of this chapter will be uninteresting (especially since so much of it is a retelling of events from YCCTL), but if you've never pursued mental health treatment, maybe you'll find it enlightening. idk. it felt like a part of sehun's story that needed to be told, that's all. i pulled the descriptions of the content in the mental health questionnaire from the one provided by [upenn's center for cognitive therapy](https://www.med.upenn.edu/cct/assets/user-content/documents/CCT%20Home%20Packet.pdf).
> 
> ETA: felt like elaborating on therapy in response to a comment on this vignette, so i'm putting it here instead of unloading on the commenter, lol.
> 
> i saw a psychologist for a while my last year of college because i was so overwhelmed with work that it completely paralyzed me. (that bit about the anxious part of yourself being like a little kid, so you shouldn't yell at it—that's almost verbatim what my college therapist said to me once, and it always stuck with me.) but i couldn't pursue mental health treatment for many years after i graduated because i live in the US, which has the most ridiculous health care system in the developed world, and i didn't have insurance that covered mental health services. and also i just wasn't... ready for it? it felt easier to live with the bad feelings i was familiar with and numb them with meds than it was to think about what my life could be like if i forced myself to actually feel my pain instead of avoiding it and letting it fester.
> 
> (i should note here that i don't have a problem with meds—i take them on a daily basis!—but as an adult, i do take issue with general practitioners who throw pills at the problem instead of referring their patients to counseling, _especially_ for young people struggling with mental health disorders. my GP started me on an SSRI when i was 17 without even requiring me to see a counselor, and i was really scared to talk to anyone about my feelings, but i think i wouldn't have suffered for so long on my own if i had been mandated to see a therapist and had learned how to express my feelings and cope in healthier ways.)
> 
> anyway, that complacence and fear was sort of my thought process behind why sehun put off seeking help for a while. you spend so much time trying to ignore the feelings that the thought of unpacking them and having to really _feel_ them seems unbearable. but about three years ago, despite being on meds, i fell into a really deep depression (largely precipitated by the 2016 election results, i think, but there was a LOT of other stuff going on underneath, too) and i just... couldn't stand feeling so awful all the time, and by that time i had good insurance, so i started seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist on a regular basis and we switched up my medication regimen and talked a lot and things got better. the stuff about awareness is something he used to hit on all the time; after all, you can't change something when you don't know that it's even happening. he was frustrating to work with in a lot of ways—i ended up changing providers about a year and a half ago because it just wasn't a good fit anymore—but he definitely challenged me to think deeply about why i do things and reminded me that i can't control everything, but i can control how i respond to things that bother me. it's still not easy, by any means, but it is possible!
> 
> but enough of that. the next couple updates should be less intense—we're coming up on jongin's birthday. ;) have a good week, everyone!!
> 
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	5. january 14, a wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sehun wants to do something nice for jongin's birthday.

Jongin’s birthday falls midweek this year, but because (a) he and Sehun are in class for four hours straight, five days a week, and (b) their professors have been assigning them an amount of coursework inversely proportional to the length of the winter term—which is to say, a metric assload of it—he suggests holding off on any celebrating until the weekend.

“I mean, it’s not like I have a whole lot planned or anything,” he explains, “but I don’t wanna go out on Wednesday and then be all tired and miserable on Thursday. Plus, I have a paper due Friday that I’m behind on.”

Sehun feels a little guilty for feeling relieved by this decision, but he’s similarly overwhelmed by the workload; this will be the first and last time he ever takes a class during the winter term, now that he knows how much stress he’d signed up for. It’s worth it to see Jongin three weeks ahead of schedule, of course… but only just.

Still, he doesn’t want Jongin’s birthday to pass by completely unacknowledged, so after his class lets out on Wednesday afternoon, Sehun braves the biting cold and walks to the grocery store near campus to pick up a few things: a tiny cake from the bakery, just enough for two people to split, plus candles and a birthday card, as well as a little something to go inside of it.

The greeting card industry, he observes with disdain as he scans Hallmark's offerings, is disturbingly heteronormative. He ends up settling for a humorous card meant for a friend because there are exactly two cards explicitly marked as being for a male significant other from his boyfriend, and Sehun doesn’t like either of them—one’s too mushy, even for Sehun, and the other is just plain ugly.

He gets home with an hour to spare before Jongin’s class lets out, enough time to stick twenty candles into the cake before realizing that they’re preventing the lid from fitting back on—but he finds a workaround for that, dispensing with the lid entirely and covering the cake with a large mixing bowl turned upside down to keep the frosting from drying out.

The harder task, Sehun discovers, is figuring out what to write in the card.

> _Dear Jongin,_

Sehun leans over the kitchen table with his fist under his chin and frowns down at the card. He can't just write _Happy birthday! Love, Sehun_. Jongin deserves more than the bare minimum. He deserves to know how special he is, especially on his birthday. But there's something about the idea of writing down how he feels that makes him want to shrivel up and die.

It's not that he doesn't truly feel those sentiments—of course he does—and it's not that they're particularly salacious, by any means. It's just that these are the kinds of feelings you whisper quietly to a person you love, preferably in a dark or dimly-lit room with limited to no eye contact required. They're the kinds of things you want a person to remember in a dreamy, soft-focus kind of way, recalling the sound of your voice or the emotions they felt at the time, but maybe not the exact words and phrases. Putting them down on paper shines too harsh a light on them, makes them feel too intense and yet somehow removes some of their power at the same time.

 _How the_ fuck _did people write love letters way back when?_ Sehun agonizes, tapping the end of his pen against the edge of the table. After staring uselessly down at the card for a few more minutes, he drops the pen with a huff and sits back in his chair, agitated. _Jesus Christ, you don't have to spill your fucking guts all over him all the time. It's a fucking birthday card, not a love letter. Just write something nice and normal and be done with it already._

Sehun shakes his head as if to clear his mind, picks up the pen, and starts writing his own message under the generic birthday greeting printed in the center of the card.

> Happy 20th birthday! (Kinda weird to think we're both gonna be in our 20s pretty soon, isn't it? Time flies, etc.)

> Anyway, I know it's not much (and I know you're probably gonna disagree with me on that), but I just wanted to do something nice for you on your actual birthday b/c even though we're gonna do something this weekend, I know this is going to be a really tiring week for you and I thought you could use a pick-me-up. (And maybe something new to read.)

Remembering the gift, Sehun drops his pen and gets up to fish around in a few of the kitchen drawers until he comes up with a roll of tape, which he uses to affix the bookstore gift card he'd picked up to the left side of the card's interior. He draws a line from his last sentence over to the other side of the card, adding an arrow at the end that points very obviously at the gift card before he continues writing.

> I'm not gonna get super mushy here (mostly b/c I'm running out of room) but I just wanted to say that I'm so glad I decided to pick that fight with you on November 7th, because even though it sucked in the moment, I walked out of it with the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. (over) →

Just when he tells himself he's not going to word vomit all of his feelings into this birthday card, somehow he ends up writing enough that he has to turn the card over and write on the back of it.

> I feel lucky to have a person like you in my life at all, let alone as my boyfriend. Thank you for always being there for me, for being so patient with me, for encouraging me to try new things… I could list about a hundred other reasons why my life is better with you in it, but I am actually running out of room now, so I guess I'll just end by saying I love you (a lot) and I hope you have a very happy birthday. ♥

> Love, Sehun

His ears feel a little hot when he finishes writing, and finally he sticks the card in its envelope—but not without first scratching out the price listed under the barcode at the bottom. (He's not even really sure why he does it; it's just something he remembers his mom doing with every greeting card he'd ever seen her buy.) He leaves the envelope on the table before holing up in his room to take a short nap, hoping Jongin will read the card on his own—there's no way Sehun could just sit there calmly watching Jongin read it.

Sehun had left his bedroom door open on purpose, so it's not much of a surprise when he's slowly awoken from his slumber by the mattress shifting as Jongin sits down on the edge of his bed and rubs his leg through the comforter, his voice cutting through the silence. “Hey.”

With a soft groan, Sehun rolls over and fumbles sleepily with the blanket, wordlessly pulling the corner back as if to invite Jongin in.

“Hang on,” Jongin whispers, and the weight on Sehun’s bed disappears for a moment. Sehun doesn’t open his eyes, but he can hear Jongin unbuckling his belt and the sound of fabric whipping around as he tries to kick his jeans off once he’s pushed them down to his ankles. Only then does he join Sehun under the covers, pulling the blanket up to their shoulders. “Sorry, my jeans were kinda wet from the snow.”

“Like m'really gonna complain ’bout you not wearing pants,” Sehun mumbles with a little snort, rubbing his face against Jongin’s shirt. “Hi. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” Jongin slides a hand into Sehun’s hair, nails scratching lightly at his scalp. “For that and for all the stuff on the kitchen table.”

“You’re welcome,” Sehun sighs, leaning into the touch. “Did you open the card?”

“Mmhmm. Was I not supposed to?”

“No, no, you were,” Sehun reassures him. “M’sorry the gift was kind of impersonal, but I didn't wanna overdo it and I know you like to read—”

Jongin shushes him gently and kisses his forehead. “That kinda makes it not impersonal by default, then, right? Besides, I’ll never say no to a Barnes and Noble gift card.”

“Okay.” Sehun cuddles closer, somehow, and weaves his arm under Jongin’s to drape it over his waist. “I’m glad you liked it, then.”

“Mmhmm.” Jongin winds his arms around Sehun. “But I would’ve been happy with just the card, honestly. The stuff you wrote was really…”

Sehun peeks up at Jongin in the dim light coming through the half-open doorway, his flat, dry response belying his nervousness. "Really _what_?"

To his immense relief, Jongin kisses him gently, briefly. "Sweet," he murmurs, his lips barely an inch away from Sehun's. "You're really good to me. Thank you."

"Anytime," Sehun mumbles, suddenly flustered. "I love you."

"Love you too." Jongin nuzzles his cheek for a moment in that particular way that makes Sehun's stomach do backflips, then kisses him again. "M'really glad you're mine."

Sehun's heart is so full, he wouldn't be surprised if he were actually glowing. "Back atcha," he whispers, returning the kiss with one of his own. "Wanna go have some of that cake? Maybe order out for dinner?"

“In a little bit,” Jongin murmurs, snuggling closer with a little sigh of satisfaction. “I’m too comfortable to get up at the moment.”

Sehun tucks his head under Jongin's chin with a little sigh and closes his eyes, but just as he starts to drift off again, his eyes snap open with a start and he gasps.

Jongin pushes himself up on one elbow to hover over Sehun. "Whoa, where's the fire?"

"I forgot to buy matches for the candles," Sehun groans. "Do you think we have any lying around?" He sags against the pillows, his face scrunching up in frustration. "God, can I please do, like, one thing right for once in my life?"

"Sehun…" Jongin sighs and curls up next to him again, gathering him into his arms. "I promise this is not the big deal you think it is. You did a very nice thing for me and that's all I care about." He kisses Sehun's cheek. "Besides, we have a gas stove. We can light one of the candles on the burner and use it to light the others. Okay?"

"Oh. Yeah. That's— that'll work." Sehun covers his face with his hands, mortified by his overreaction. "I'm really sorry. I don't— I don't know why I got so upset." _Something to ask Dr. Shim about on Friday_ , he thinks with a combination of dismay and something like grim amusement. "Maybe this January term shit has me more stressed than I thought I was."

"Yeah, I think I might pass on it next year, if I'm being honest," Jongin murmurs, giving him a squeeze as he presses a few more kisses into Sehun's neck. "Anyway, there's nothing to apologize for. Let's just relax for a little bit, mmkay?"

Sehun leans back against his chest with a little sigh and closes his eyes. "Okay."

🎂

"You know what?" Jongin says later, picking clean the bones of a few chicken wings as he and Sehun lounge on the couch. "I think you gave me my best birthday present back in December, honestly."

"Wha—" Having just taken a huge bite of pizza, Sehun puts one hand over his mouth and flaps the other one as he tries to chew and swallow as quickly as he can without choking. "Ah, sorry. Okay. What do you mean?"

"When you jumped my bones the night before we went home for break instead of waiting until tonight," Jongin clarifies, laughing at the indignant look that appears on Sehun's face.

"I did not _jump your bones_ ," he says peevishly, jabbing Jongin's leg with the heel of his foot.

"You did." Jongin grins and licks hot sauce off his fingers. "It was very cute."

"Get to the point already," Sehun says with a barely suppressed smile and a tiny roll of his eyes.

"The point," Jongin says grandly, "is that I appreciate your forward-thinking nature, because I'm so tired right now I'm barely in the mood for a handjob, let alone anything even remotely close to all the stuff we got up to that night."

"Aw," Sehun says sympathetically, stretching his legs out across Jongin's lap. "That's okay. We can— we can wait until the weekend or something. Whatever you want."

Jongin looks relieved. "It's kinda funny, though," he says with a little shake of his head. "To think you were all worried about doing it on my birthday because you were afraid you were gonna disappoint _me_ , when the reality is that I'd be the one disappointing _you_."

"Nah," Sehun scoffs. "You're too nice to let yourself put me through all that if you weren't totally feeling up to it. We would've just waited until the weekend like we're doing now. So, either way, no disappointments."

"Hmm, maybe you're right." Jongin shrugs and gives his leg a squeeze. "Hey, when's your birthday this year? What day of the week, I mean?"

Sehun leans sideways to grab his phone off the coffee table and opens the calendar app, scrolling down to April, and his face lights up with glee when he sees that it falls on the last day of their school's annual Spring Weekend festivities—forty-eight hours of concerts, parties, booze, and general debauchery.

Seeing Sehun's expression, Jongin leans over to catch a glimpse of the screen. "What is it?"

Sehun tilts the phone toward him. "It's the Sunday of Spring Weekend."

"Oh my _god_ ," Jongin groans, gripping Sehun's thigh as he slumps against the back of the couch. "We're gonna _die_."

"Stop, I'm getting hard just thinking about it," Sehun says, exaggerating the breathiness in his voice as he presses the heel of his hand against the front of his pajamas.

"Stop being horny about your birthday on my birthday," Jongin whines, laughing and giving his arm a shove.

"I mean, I'd happily be horny about your birthday, too," Sehun teases him, "but you just said you're tired, so I'm trying to save my energy for this weekend." He sits up and spins to the side to get his feet on the ground, then leans over and kisses Jongin on the cheek. "Make it worth the wait, y'know?"

"I do know." A longing sound catches in Jongin's throat. "You're almost _too_ good at that, by the way."

"Thank you." Sehun grins and throws his arms around Jongin's shoulders in a brief hug, then stands up and starts collecting all of the detritus from their takeout order. "Want some cake before you have to go work on that paper?"

Jongin nods and makes to get up and help him, but Sehun puts a hand on his shoulder and gently pushes him back down.

"I got it," he says quietly, meeting Jongin's eyes with a little smile before he turns to head into the kitchen.

He deals with the leftovers first: the pizza remains in its box, joined by the styrofoam container of wings on the bottom shelf of the fridge. Sehun makes a mental note to take out the trash before class tomorrow because it's getting too full; he has to push down hard on the paper plates he's just thrown out to compress the garbage enough to close the lid.

With the cleanup taken care of, he washes his hands, scrubbing furiously to remove any trace of hot sauce just in case he and Jongin do end up fooling around before bed. Only last week he'd read some horror story online about a guy who got chemical burns on his dick because he hadn't washed his hands well enough after dicing a bunch of habañero peppers earlier in the day. The wings he and Jongin had ordered weren't quite that spicy, but word around campus travels fast, and he does _not_ want to be known as the guy who sent his boyfriend to the medical center with a rash on his junk.

Shuddering at the thought, he turns his attention instead to the cake, which he transfers from the flimsy plastic base of the container it came in onto an actual—ceramic, not paper—plate. He takes out one of the candles and holds it gingerly, one hand hovering close to the oven range while the other turns the dial for the burner. He waits for the _click-click-click_ of the igniter, flinching just the littlest bit at the whoosh of flame that follows, before tilting the candle down until it lights. He watches for a few seconds as the wick blooms in the flame, but then a drop of molten wax spills onto his thumb, and he swears loudly as the pain snaps him out of his reverie.

"Everything okay in there?" Jongin calls from the living room.

"Yep, I'll be out in a minute," Sehun yells back, turning off the range.

He lights the other nineteen candles on the cake as quickly as he can, then carefully, _carefully_ picks up the plate and makes his way to the living room, moving slowly so as to keep the candles from going out. He flicks the kitchen and living room light switches off with his elbow, and he can just make out Jongin's smile in the glow cast by the candles.

"Happy birthday," Sehun says in a singsong voice. He can't bring himself to actually sing the whole song, though, worrying that it'll be awkward or he'll find some way to screw it up; the mere thought makes his heart pound in his chest.

Jongin scoots over on the couch to make room for Sehun as he approaches, and Sehun carefully perches himself on the edge of the cushion, holding the cake up between them with both hands, a nervous little smile on his face. "Make a wish."

Jongin puts on his thinking face, sucking his lips between his teeth and glancing upward for a moment, and then he looks Sehun dead in the eyes with the softest little smile on his face before taking a deep breath and blowing out the candles in one go.

They sit in the darkness together for a couple seconds, Sehun relishing that soaring feeling in his chest he gets just from seeing the warmth in Jongin's expression, but then he remembers something and comes crashing back down. "Shit, I forgot the forks."

He makes to get up, but then Jongin's hands close around the edges of the plate. "Here, give me this," he says, gently taking it out of Sehun's hands and sliding it onto the coffee table. "Now c'mere."

Sehun's heart starts pounding—this time in a good way—as Jongin stands and pulls Sehun up off the couch and into a firm hug, one arm wound around his shoulders, the other around his waist. Sehun mimics him and gives him a little squeeze for good measure, closing his eyes and hooking his chin over Jongin's shoulder.

"Thank you for this," Jongin says after a few moments of silence, his voice low but not quite a whisper. "For everything. It was a really good birthday. I feel… very loved."

Sehun presses his lips to Jongin's cheek, his heart full to bursting. "Well, good," he stammers, "'cause you are."

Jongin slides a hand up the back of Sehun's neck and turns his head to give him a proper kiss.

"You're so good," he sighs, pulling Sehun into another soft, lingering kiss. "The best." Jongin nudges Sehun's nose with his own. "I love you."

"Love you too," Sehun whispers, so moved he can hardly speak. He gives Jongin one last tight squeeze before he forces himself to let go and take a step back. "I'm— I'm gonna go get those forks now, okay?"

Jongin makes a soft sound of acknowledgment and sits down again, letting Sehun move past him, and by the time he comes back from the kitchen with the utensils, Jongin's got the TV on and the plate sitting in his lap. He grins up at Sehun and takes the proffered fork from his hand.

"Figured it would help to have a little bit of light in here while we're eating," he explains, waiting for Sehun to join him before he takes the first bite. "Mmm. God, there's nothing like yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Nice pick."

"Seemed like a safe bet," Sehun remarks, lifting a forkful of cake to his lips.

He wraps his other arm around Jongin and smiles to himself when Jongin leans into him, resting his head on Sehun's shoulder.

"One episode of _Scrubs_ ," Jongin says, seemingly bargaining with himself, "and then I'll go work on my paper. I can watch one episode while I finish my cake, right?"

"It's your birthday." Sehun leans his head against Jongin's. "You can do whatever you want."

"You're not supposed to enable me," Jongin groans, taking another bite of cake. "You're supposed to make me go do my homework."

"What makes you think I would _ever_ do that?" Sehun snorts, cutting another bite of cake for himself, but he relents when Jongin whines at him through a mouthful of dessert. "Fine, I promise I will shut off the TV after we're done watching this. Happy?"

Jongin nods, and the tiny smile on his face makes Sehun's heart skip a beat. "Very."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this probably a month ago and i was gonna tack another scene onto the end of it, but i think i'm gonna save that for another time because i need to post something new (read: i need attention, lmao)!!!
> 
> hope y'all enjoy this and that you're all staying safe and healthy (and cool, 'cause this summer has been hot as balls)!!! ♥
> 
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	6. january 16, a friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another therapy sesh with good ol' dr. shim

>   1. I care a lot about … the things I care about (maybe too much, sometimes)
>   2. I'm loyal
>   3. I like to take care of people (and I think I'm good at it)
>   4. I'm a good listener if one of my friends needs to talk about something
>   5. I'm considerate (?). Like I try not to be unnecessarily hurtful (but sometimes I say mean things when I'm upset)
>   6. I'm honest (mostly because lying makes my stomach hurt and my face gives me away all the time anyway)
>   7. When something good happens to one of my friends, I feel happy/supportive (not jealous)
>   8. I'm a hard worker
>   9. I'm funny
>   10. I have a strong sense of right/wrong (or fairness/unfairness, maybe?)
> 


Sehun folds the sheet of paper in his hands and looks up at Dr. Shim expectantly, his mouth drawn into a line. "That's ten."

"So it is," Dr. Shim says. "Was it difficult to come up with that many?"

"Sort of." Sehun shrugs and folds the paper in half again. "I had a little help, I guess. I didn't ask for it, though. He just started rattling off a list of stuff."

"Who?"

"Oh, sorry." Sehun flaps a hand. "My boyfriend. Jongin."

"Right, right. I read over my notes from our last session this morning, but just to make sure I'm remembering everything correctly…" Dr. Shim looks up from his legal pad. "Jongin used to be just your friend and roommate until a couple months ago, when you decided to start dating. Is that correct?"

Sehun nods. "I told him about the homework you gave me after I got home from class last Friday and he thought it was a good idea."

Dr. Shim takes a sip of his coffee. "Just out of curiosity… how many of the things on your list were things he said?"

Sehun chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment, and then he unfolds the paper and scans the list again. "Most of them," he admits. "More than half, at least. But, in my defense, I didn't get a chance to think about it before he just started rattling off his own list, so maybe I would have thought of some of them on my own."

"That is definitely possible," Dr. Shim agrees. "And I don't think it's a bad thing that you used his suggestions. What I'm curious about is whether you included them just so you'd have ten items on your list, or because you actually agreed with what he said."

"I wouldn't have put them down if I didn't actually believe they were at least a little true. I would have just showed up with a really short list and felt guilty about it." Sehun pauses for a moment to reflect. "Huh."

"What?"

"I didn't—" It takes Sehun a moment to figure out how to explain himself. "I didn't realize I felt like that until the words came out of my mouth just now. Like, I didn't know that's how I thought I would handle the situation. Does that make sense?"

"Funny how that happens sometimes, isn't it?" Dr. Shim smiles. "The unconscious mind—and I don't mean unconscious in the sense of being asleep or incapacitated; I'm referring to thought patterns and processes that occur almost automatically, without us thinking too deeply about why they're happening. Anyway, as you might imagine, that means a person's mind can have a pretty significant impact on their behavior without them realizing it. It's only after we become aware of our unconscious thoughts and fears and biases that we're able to grapple with them and course-correct as needed. And that's what just happened here. You were able to make a pretty astute observation about yourself because you tapped into a sort of implicit understanding of your own behavior. I mean, that's a very simplified view of the matter—plenty of psychologists are still debating whether the unconscious mind even exists—but it does highlight one of the major benefits of talk therapy: a better-developed sense of self-awareness."

"All this talk about awareness…" Sehun frowns at the painting on the wall above Dr. Shim's desk. "I already feel uncomfortably self-aware, like, all the time. How is being even more aware supposed to help me get better?"

"Ah, you're conflating self-awareness with self-consciousness," Dr. Shim corrects him. "Self-awareness is more of a philosophical understanding of who you are as a person. It's what allows you to make observations about your motivations, actions, character, emotions, and beliefs, among other things. Self-consciousness, on the other hand, is like self-awareness's neurotic cousin. It's a preoccupation with how you're perceived by others. That's what makes you freeze up or feel awkward when you think you're being watched or judged in some way. Occasionally, a heightened sense of self-awareness can cause self-consciousness—for example, say you become aware of some unconscious behavior or personality quirk of yours. Since it's so novel to you, you might assume everyone else notices it as well, and you could become self-conscious about it as a result. But it can be easier to overcome that kind of self-consciousness because you're more likely to understand what's causing it."

"That makes sense, I guess." Sehun's head is spinning a little, but the distinction is clearer than it was a few minutes ago. "How did we get on this topic? I forgot what I was talking about."

Dr. Shim finishes scribbling something on his legal pad, then flips back to the previous page. "We were discussing your list and whether you actually agree with Jongin's assessment of your positive qualities. I did notice that you qualified a lot of the statements you made."

Sehun cocks his head. "What do you mean?"

"You editorialized on the vast majority of them," Dr. Shim points out. "You'd list something and add 'but' this or 'maybe' that or 'because x-y-z.' Do you often find yourself overexplaining your thoughts and decisions to people?"

"I don't…" Sehun hesitates for a moment, then nods. "I really hate feeling like— like my intentions or feelings are being misinterpreted. I have this, like, weird fear of being misunderstood and someone getting mad at me because of it, so I try to be as clear and honest as possible, right? But then I feel like I end up saying a lot of weird, embarrassing sh— stuff that I probably should have just kept to myself."

"Hmm. I think it's good that you want to communicate, even if you sometimes err on the side of giving too much information." Dr. Shim tilts his head from side to side. "But it's important to recognize that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to express yourself, your intentions will be misunderstood. And you're going to have to learn to be okay with the fact that you can't control how other people feel about the things you do and say. If you do something that hurts someone, their pain doesn't go away just because you didn't mean to hurt them. The only thing you can control in those situations is how you respond to their reaction. It's similar if you're on the flip side of that equation. You can't always control how you feel about a situation, but you do have some control over how you react."

Sehun thinks about his minor meltdown over forgetting to buy matches for Jongin's birthday candles, how all that frustration and self-loathing hit him like a ton of bricks over something so insignificant, and how _fast_ it came on. It's always been like that—emotions getting the best of him before he even realizes it.

"Okay," he says slowly, "but… how? How do you control it?"

"It doesn't happen overnight," Dr. Shim says kindly. "I'm sure you're noticing the pattern here: when you're trying to make a change in your behavior or outlook, it can take a lot of time and introspection before you start to see progress. But if you're looking for a little trick to hold you over in the meantime, sometimes it helps if you just stop and give yourself a few seconds to take a breath before you respond—and note that I said _respond_ , not react."

Sehun shrugs. "What's the difference?"

"Good question." Dr. Shim twirls his pen between his fingers. "I see reactions as snap decisions based on instinct. There are clear evolutionary reasons for why we make those decisions, but those are more apparent in times of actual danger. When you're just upset about something, reacting can sometimes exacerbate the problem. Taking a moment to breathe, however—even if it's just for a few seconds—gives you the opportunity to actively think about how you want to approach the situation, so you can respond in a more productive way instead of, say, lashing out in anger."

"That's it?" Sehun blinks at him. "That's your answer? _Breathing?_ "

He doesn't mean to come off as snide as he does, but Dr. Shim doesn't seem to take it personally. "I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous," he says, "but there is a neurological basis for it. When you get stressed out, your adrenal glands, which sit right on top of your kidneys, send out a ton of adrenaline, and that triggers your sympathetic nervous system to activate the fight-flight-or-freeze response. Deep breathing helps to stimulate SNS's counterpart, the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to relax your body. There are many breathing and visualization exercises you can try, but I find that square breathing is an easy one to start with. Ever tried it?"

Sehun shakes his head, and Dr. Shim picks up his legal pad and flips it to a blank page.

"All right. Next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, try this: close your eyes and picture a square. As you breathe in for four counts, imagine a dot traveling up the left side of the square." He draws a line going up. "Then, hold your breath for four counts as the dot moves across the top of the square." He draws the top of the square. "Then, exhale for four counts as the dot goes down the right side of the square…" He adds another line to the square. "… and hold again as the dot moves across the bottom, back to the start." He draws the last line, closing up the square, and puts the pad back down. "Do that as many times as you need to. You'll be surprised at how quickly your heart rate starts to slow down." Dr. Shim smiles. "It's also pretty handy if you're winded from having to sprint to class to avoid being late. And, on that note…" Dr. Shim glances at the clock on the wall over Sehun's head. "That's our time for today."

Sehun glances at his watch. These forty-five-minute sessions never seem as long as they actually are. "Guess so."

"So, next week, then…" Dr. Shim pulls out his phone, ostensibly to double-check his calendar, scrolling up on the screen before looking up at Sehun again with a little smile. "Yep, we're still on for Friday. In the meantime, try the breathing exercises, and we can talk about other options next time if you find that it's not helping."

Sehun nods. "Okay, I'll give it a shot. Thanks."

💭

[ ](https://i.imgur.com/gDICay5.jpg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a brief little update, i know. wanted to get this in just under the wire, in the last gasp of world mental illness awareness week/world mental health day, since i thought it was particularly appropriate. take care of yourselves out there, folks. these are increasingly weirder times we are living in, the ongoing pandemic notwithstanding, and they have not been kind to anyone's mental health. i doubt i'll post again before the election, so if you live in the US and you're of voting age, here's your PSA: please make sure you're registered and please vote. we really need to get our shit under control here. 
> 
> anyway, all seriousness aside: love y'all, no matter where you live!! come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals) anytime you like. :) my brain has no respect for deadlines, so don't get your hopes up too much, but i will try to put up the next bit (jongin's bday celebrations) sometime before the end of the year.


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